Back that Ass Up!

"Hey Yossarian. I have been meaning to tell you something, or rather have a talk with you. See, I know we have known each other since grade school. You've been a good friend, even as the strength of our friendship waxed and waned a bit. But you were always there. I appreciate that. But here is the thing. It's like this. Try to pick up what I'm about to put down. Feel it. Smell what I'm cooking. Dig this. On the real, I don't think I can be your friend anymore. Or rather, I think, that we cannot be friends anymore; whichever makes more grammatical sense. See because times have changed. The anti-Christ is in the White House. America unveiled its true colors. And the military is no longer the shield of the republic, but the sword of the empire. We have no right to be who we are. To do the things we do. You're going into the Army, and have you seen 'Fahrenheit 9-11?' So like, basically I cannot be a friend with someone who actively takes part in an oppressive regime. Sorry, no offense, it's not you, more what you stand for, or will stand for. I know Tyler Durden told us, 'We aren't our jobs,' but I don't think he was talking about soldiers. So if you don't mind. I would appreciate it if you didn't bring up the fact that I don't believe in God, therefore my assessing the President, as the anti-Christ is absurd. Don't mention that my brainpower cannot even comprehend basic philosophy without my 'Philosophy for Dummies' book, and therefore cannot even begin to realize the subtleness, intricacy and pure complications of politics. Please don't argue that every sole superpower has acted as the police of the world, and the cultural leader. The Hittites were a long time ago, the world is more civilized now. No one wants to hear that shit. No one wants logic or reason, on either side. I have my beliefs and I stand for them, even though they could change if better celebrities would publicly support the President. And please, even though Moore says he is an independent voter, don't mention that anyone with a library card can find out he is a registered Democrat. It might make sense that in sheer self-preservation, he will vote for the current president. If he isn't in office, Moore is out of a job. Sure, whatever you can say about human history and how we wouldn't be extant without a military believe it if you want, I know the truth. In summation, just leave. If it makes you feel better I won't hold this against you if your name ever comes up. But have fun you brainless, dupe and cog in the war machine. I have to go now; it was nice talking with you Yossarian. I'm really glad we got to clear the air. And no hard feelings, but you are the intransigent." The Yossarian left, having lost a friend.