A Night Early Because I Roll Hard

Dear Yossarian,

I am in a bad way. I recently won a lot of money betting on the NFL. Specifically, I bet the Steelers would beat the Colts. Then I let the money ride and bet double or nothing on the Steelers for the AFC championship. The Steelers won, my ship came in. I won.
The problem is, is that I am not supposed to be gambling as some would say I have a problem with gambling.
Five years ago I lost my house, job, car and family because I gambled away all of our money and would go to various casinos instead of work. I sought help and haven't gambled for some time.
I met a woman a couple years ago and we married and I adopted her two children. She has a good job and the money I used to place the bet was her life savings and the deed to her house. We live in a new suburb, so I risked quite a bit of her equity.
My problem is that now I have won all of this money, how do I put it in our bank or tell my wife about this without violating her trust?

Please Advise,

Dan in PA

Dear Dan,

If, when I die and am judged, I was everything I was supposed to be and am admitted into the kingdom of heaven, I will rekill every last sum bitch in there until they let you in. You are clearly a man of action and my new personal hero. Of course you bet on the Steelers. Why wouldn't you? I would have. And shit, if I had some woman with cash-money and a house deed, I'd be playing 5-6 pick'em till we were broke or I was rich. (Yes, WE share my defeats and I reign supreme in MY glory.)
Let me put it to you this way, you are Tiger Woods of life. You ever watch golf? Well they show these clowns hit these balls very well and no one cares. Drive to the fairway. Chip to the green. Put. BORING. Tiger fucks up and makes spectacular shots out of the sand, the trees or the water. That is why we love him. He makes those shots. We all fuck up and he gets out of it beautifully. You my friend did the same. You are an inspiration to anyone with a fully developed brain. You are an icon of righteousness, ingenuity, determination and growth.
The way I see it, you have two courses of action. Let's examine the two shall we?
Option one, you can tell her. Because guess what? You're gambling problem is now solved. You won. If you were betting straight money, then you doubled her life savings and the worth of her house on the initial bet. Then you doubled that amount the following game. Brilliant. But you were probably betting odds and I believe the Steelers were going off at 3 to 1 underdogs against the Colts. That's cake. If you were betting the points, then you stood to make even more grip. The Steelers were only 3 ½ point underdogs against the Broncos, so I'm guessing it was even money there. I'm sure she'll understand. Even if she doesn’t and she divorces you, well shit buddy, this is America. You'll get half. And half of a shit-ton is plenty.
Option two, is what I would recommend. Take that shit and replace her life savings. Get your deed back and get it to her and make it to where that shit was never gone. Take all of YOUR winnings and put them shits in an account you open up under false identification. If you are hanging around bookies and shit I am sure you know how to get your hands on some Arnolds. Don't say shit about it and do what you will with that money. You want to keep gambling? Fuck dude, you earned it. You want to bone high-class escorts? It's your world bro; I'm just living in it. I'm not here to judge. Also, I would fake my death, collect the insurance money, take my winnings and my scam grip and start life anew in South America. Open up some bar on a beach and fuck tourists and tanned women all day. That's not for everyone.
Fuck the trust of your wife. You won money. And from some quick goat math I am doing in my head, you won a lot of money. There are a few billion people on this planet that get by just fine with out your wife's trust. One more won't end the world, join us my friend. You're already closer to Graceland than I am. You've got currency.
I don't know a single woman who, upon learning they are unexpectedly rich, would be mad. Violating her trust? I'd use this as a means of violating her and her sister anally. But only if you chose option one.
You could always say fuck it and since you've come this far, let it ride one more game. You'd need a wheelbarrow for your balls if you did that.
In summation, you are a pearl among swine. You risked the financial stability of your wife and family, a financial stability you did not provide nor earn I might point out, because you knew it was right to bet on professional football. Bless you. Money won IS sweeter than money earned. Also, I owe quite a bit to various student loan providers, so a little nice thrown my way would be appreciated.
Regardless, I think it is rather evident that you are the greatest person in the history of mankind.

You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings,

Yossarian