Welcome To The Suck
Right. I received an email today. An email you will soon read. It is quite possibly the greatest email of all time. It will be the subject of my Thursday advice column. I don't know what advice I can give on this right now. I must ponder all ins and outs and ups and downs and everything in between the barroom floor and Alpha Centauri, because this is a pickle. I'm really excited to see what kind of advice I give this man, because right now, I'm torn. I really have nothing resembling what I usually write about to write about today. So instead I will post a conversation I had with my commander today. This is my first real conversation with him and as you will see it got over like gangbusters.
Captain: "I know it sucks you are doing 3 peoples jobs right now, but it will look good on your OER."
Me: "Don"t piss down my back and tell me it is raining sir."
Captain: "Ha. I like that. You'll do fine in the Army."
Me: "For the next two years and 4 months at least sir."
Captain: "Ha. Okay so what's up?"
Me: "Check it out sir, what is this detail I'm on?"
Captain: "Oh, you're the investigator of deaths. Basically if anyone in our squadron dies, you investigate it and determine if he was being a jack off. You determine if he gets full benefits or partial based on his actions leading to his death."
Me: "I'm not tracking sir."
Captain: "You're essentially the jury in a death case."
Me: "Well sir, any jury I am on is automatically a hung jury."
Captain: "Ha! I like your shit Yossarian. A hung jury for Christ sake. Goddamn that's clever son."
Me: "I have my moments."
You did not have this conversation with your boss. Therefore I am better than you.
posted by Yossarian at 3:12 PM
13 Comments:
I look forward to the awesomest email ever. and your captain was right in putting someone like you in charge of determining if the deceased was being a jack-off at the time of death. I only know you from your blog but I think you have the capacity. Jack-off at the time of death would most likely describe unkind k's future demise.
sorry I just had to.
you ARE better than me.
haha meredith
meredith you got that whole posting under your name instead of anonymous. anticipated is unkind's response.
did you get to smoke during this conversation. for some reason, this reminds me of the scene in top gun where goose and maverick have to explain breaking the harddeck, except with more cigarette smoking and quite possibly a dip somewhere
Basketball is my favorite sport
I like the way they dribble up and down the court
Just like I'm the King on the microphone so is Dr. J and Moses Malone
I like Slam dunks take me to the hoop
My favorite play is the alley oop
I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go,
Cause it's Basketball, uh, Mister Kurtis Blow
(record scratching and some moves)
no i dont smoke much anymore, it hurts too much when i run. but i had a GIANT dip in my mouth and was swallowing the juice and being tough as nails.
i too am waiting for unkinds response. maybe my website will live up to its 100% more fighting billing now.
Also i grabbed my crotch when i said hung jury...i thought it was funny.
I don't know what you guys are expecting. I love Meredith. She's my favorite non-practicing Catholic with a non-practicing husband that I know.
My favorite thing about her is that she's courageous enough not to let her intellectual shortcomings prevent her from asking trenchant rhetorical questions that point out sensitive subjects of mine like my level of cake knowledge.
And that last comment about me dying from jerking off... sorry, that was just dumb...but revealing. Maybe if somebody had taught you to stroke your own button properly you might be a different person today. Or at least not a puritanical bore.
I'm hoping this bangs into verbal assault on eachother.
ding ding.
it wasn't about you dying by jerking-off because that would be dumb indeed. Who fucking dies from jerking-off. It was you dying while being a jerk-off. I don't think it's so far-fetched.
I masturbate at least a few times every month while reading my penthouse forum. I'm really not ashamed at all to admit it and I know there are some people who read this blog who know me more as a blog commentator. I have a big sexual appetite so you can stop thinking I'm frigid and puritanical now.
Oh, my GOD... you're so easy to manipulate. All I have to do is make a roundabout comment/accusation and you spill your guts on the topic.
Let's test this a bit further:
You get coked up and have sex with animals.
Discuss.
no coke. too afraid it will hurt when snorted/smoked or injected. no animals. I have pets but they don't turn me on.
Something has become obvious to me, and that is that you have come to desire me in the course of our little instances of the back-and-forth.
We're totally fucking.
*GASP*
a gorgeous picture, btw
and i thought the idea of unkind dying from jerking off pretty funny. but maybe im slow or something
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