Thursday Night Fights

Dear Yossarian,

The woman in the cubicle across from mine wears her crucifix on the outside of her shirt. She displays this symbol of oppression, both internal and external oppression, everyday. The symbol offends me and her Christianity offends me. She never says anything to me about it, but I have overheard her talking to her family and other Christians in the office about it. This is all very offensive to me and I would like to know if I should her fired for creating a hostile work environment or how I should go about letting her know her beliefs offend me and I don’t want to deal with them in my work place.

Thank you,

G from FLA

Dear G from FLA,

I was watching Clash of the Titians the other day and I drank a root beer. It was a good time, I must admit. Afterwards, I packed a lip and read this book I been reading. I sat in my massage chair and read about six chapters and then I fell asleep, right in the chair. Can you believe that? That's how I like to spend my weekends, because my weekdays are so hectic. That's how I roll. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me driving on is listening Nora Jones and the belief that in two years and four months, I will be out of the Army and hopefully I can land a job with a hockey team. I like that idea. Getting paid to watch hockey. I'll do whatever job they need, but I'll get to watch hockey. Man. There is only one person on this planet I wouldn't ice to get that job, she's my mom, and anyone else would have to go. That entire job thing would also work if you were to replace the word hockey with baseball or football or women’s tennis.
I almost forgot to mention. I bought a couple hundred dollars worth of soup a few days ago. I decided that from here on out, soup is the only thing I will eat. No more unnecessary wear and tear on my enamel. No sir. Soup is the way to go. I have all kinds of soup. Tomato is my favorite, but I also enjoy clam chowder. And I’ll be very honest with you, broccoli and cheese is tasty too. I had this soup one time with mini ravioli things, baby corn, green beans and tomatoes, but I don’t think Campbell's makes anything like that. While I was at the grocery store I thought, "What goes well with soup?" Then it hit me. Tea. So I have an abundance of tea now also. Not hot tea, though I'm not opposed, I'm just more of an iced tea fella myself.
I must have looked funny buying obscene amounts of iced tea and soup and Copenhagen. But that's okay. Comedy is good. I used to like to read tragedies. But that was when I was younger. Before life taught me that life is tragic enough without me reading about it. So I guess it's good to bring laughter into the world. It's also good to bring things like baby corn into the world. Because I fucking love baby corn. In fact, if you are ever trying to get me to go to a party, chances are I won't want to go. But if you tell me there will be baby corn, well shit, we will see how fast the Acura will go.

You're Welcome,

Yossarian

P.S. I did not answer your question nor give you advice because it is quite possibly the most fucked up, inane and frivolous issue in the history of mankind. Is your life so empty that you must take issue with someone whom doesn't speak to you? You want advice? Cram a hunting knife blade first up your cunt. Also, what the fuck is FLA? I thought the abbreviation for Florida was FL, you daft twat. But either way, may Christ bless you for not asking me a sex question.