Everything Right

Right. I can’t stand the fact that Frank Sinatra led his life and I lead mine. Ergo, number 38 is ol’ blue eyes himself. I mean sure, I really like his music. And yeah, I like his movies. And we all know I enjoy the culture he and his friends created. But I hate him because it was him and not me. In summation, I am only making sense when I say Frank can suck it, even if he is dead. Suck it dead guy. See you soon.
It’s late and I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking about things. Mainly I continue to think of lies. I estimate I’ve been lied to an average of 17 times a day since I was born. I am going to be 29 in a few months, so without the extra day for leap years, I’ve been lied to an estimated 179,945 times. Give or take.
But I also figure I’ve told, on average, 12 lies a day since I was born. So on July 6th 2007 the year of our lord, I will have told 127,020 lies. That is a difference of 52,925 lies.
I was debating, in my head of course, how to make up the lost ground. I’m getting shafted here. And the shafters seem to have a better life than the shaftee.
At first I thought I should up my lie output. You know, increase the production rate, lower the price and then profits increase. All that good shit. But then I did some math and I figured I’d have to increase the lies I tell a day to 200 in order to get even with the world in one year. I simply don’t have that much time on my hands.
Then, I thought, “How does a brother (a brother being me) tell enough lies to make up for all the shit I’ve been told and bought.” And then it hit me. It’s not the amount of lies; it’s the lies I’ve believed that angers me so much.
Most lies I see and call out. But the ones I believe are what really piss me off. Now, this placed me in a jam because I am a terrific fabricator of truth and all the lies I’ve told, I figure to have a 80-90% success rate. Meaning, the world believes more of my lies than I do of the world’s.
Well fuck. But then I realized that close to 99% of my lies are stupid lies, like what I ate for lunch, or that I think your shoes are nice. But the lies I have believed are lies like, college and grad school are worth it, the military is a good thing to be part of, if you give us only 3 years we will pay off your student loans and the harder you work at making things better the better things will be. So clearly, I have bought more big lies than I have told.
Then I decided that the best way to get even is to tell one giant lie. A lie that rocks the foundations of the universe. A HUGE lie if you will. So then I thought, “How does a brother (a brother being me) tell one huge lie to make up for the all the shit I’ve been sold and bought.”
I was going to fake my own death. This would enable my parents to pay off my student loans with my life insurance money and have a boatload left over. And I could leave the Army on time. But then I thought I’d get caught. Because you’d tell on me. Bitch.
Then I thought I did way too much math for this post.
But then it hit me, I don’t need to lie at all. I just need to piss some people off. So how do I piss people off?
I think it’s clear that once I am done in Baghdad I decided to denounce my citizenship, move to Ireland, buy some sheep and tend to them.
I need someone to come with.