Feel The Void

Right. Here it fucking comes. Sheesh. Leave it alone.
I have this song and every time I hear it I decide, subconsciously, that I must go crazy. I must in fact be reminded of shit, which makes me loose my mind. For some reason I must play the song once a day. So my morning starts out with me waking up at zero dark thirty. I drive to PT and work out. Towel myself off and get into my car for the drive back. Shower. Hit up I Tunes. Play the song. Become depressed. Desire to smash something. Eat around 50 Tums extra strength antacid supplements. Try to calm down. Think about shit I miss. Think about people I haven't seen and will most likely never see again. Think about what life has done to them. Become disgusted with perverted thoughts racing through my head. Devise a plan to fake my death, have the life insurance money sent to my mother, smuggle myself into Old Mexico and start anew. What would I do? Who cares? Get some job as a bar back somewhere and live real humble. Pretend I am deaf and just read. I have no emotional interest invested into fictional characters. None. Zero. So if bad shit happens, oh fucking well. It's on to the next book.
I forgot what I was talking about. Yes, the book. Right. No. The song. Fuck. Yeah. So the song plays and I just think of how like people have to grow up and how they can’t stay the same person they were. It's enough to make me want to rip my eyes out so I'll never have to see it again. Then I think about like one day having kids and like watching them go through some ill shit. I doubt I could handle it. I would eventually go on a five state killing spree to try to make things better.
I think the problem is, is that I don't feel such emotions. Like bad shit happens to me and I really don't care. But bad shit rarely happens to me. And when it does it is always usually of my doing. So like I never get to analyze my emotions and grow into a better person because the pretty girl at the ice cream stand dumped me to be popular. I never gave much of a fuck about anything to go and organize a protest, or a walk out or not dissect a frog. I never gave a shit. But this song reminds me that people do this shit everyday. Thus I am saddened by my status as an ineffectual being and apathetic persona. I mean. I like, only really ever feel happy. I just don't give a fuck about much. I get super fucking pissed for like eight seconds, then return to being me. I get upset at like the stupidest shit too. And the shit I ought to be pissed about doesn't faze me.
I don’t know what to do about it because I suppose I ought to feel like other people. But then I don't really like people. So why would I want to feel like that. But then, isn't it my duty as a human being to feel and to grow in order to evolve? But who the fuck wants to evolve. Sure the hell not me. Unless it is into whoever is making out with Claire Danes. But then like. I've had it pretty easy. And I am all about easy. I am trying to set myself up so life won't be hard in the future. But then what makes me so special. The crux of it is that when I say shit like something depresses me or saddens me it doesn’t. I honestly could give a shit. But I feel I ought to have some emotional response. That makes me sad because I think it may be abnormal. But the I don't know what normal is. Are we even allowed to have a normal anymore? It's all very confusing. So don't listen to "Late at Night," by "Buffalo Tom."