Get off My Elevator

Right. So I watched Troy last night, again, because it puts me to sleep. Except for last night. When it didn't. So I watched. Here is the main thought I have every time I watch it: is this the best we can do? I mean I understand that if they were to work in the Gods it would be dumb, so I am not talking about that. I am talking about Paris. More specifically, the guy playing Paris, is this the best that Hollywood has to offer me? For the love of fuck. Every asshole I've ever met has aspirations of being in movies and this ass-hat is the only one who took an archery class? I had to watch him suck in Lord of the Rings, but there was so much other shit going on that ruled, so I could ignore his lame ass. But I am forced to watch this clown dick up Troy. Remember in Return of the King when, for no reason other than a need to meet a quota of ass head camera time, he says, "A diversion." God I wanted to shoot myself. No shit? A diversion? See I did not pick that up from reading the book, paying attention to the movie plot or the fact that three other characters just explained it. I needed ass lips to clarify.
I am about to do something terrible. I am about to buy a handgun. I am about to buy a 50 caliber Desert Eagle. That is a lot of calibers. I don’t plan on buying any bullets, as the idea of shooting it doesn't appeal to me. No, it's more the idea of pistol-whipping fools across the face that tickles my fancy. Or fancies my tickle. Or tickles my tickle. I hope it doesn't fancy my fancy. So if you are ever like, about to be raped by a guy, or are about to rape a girl and I am in a four block radius and I have the weapon handy and weather conditions help conceal my movement and I am wearing something cool and My Name is Earl isn't on and I’m not about to make out with Famke Jansen or some really hot girl or even an average looking girl, then you have a 34.278% chance of me saving you or foiling your plans via a good old-fashioned pistol-whipping. That's a long sentence there boy.
Let's add Maria Bello to the list of women I need to give a mustache ride to. Sans mustache.