Blind Indiference To Your Fellow Man

Right. I for one am fucking tired of the standard three act play. Fuck that. I got it. I go see a movie and I know what to expect. I'm going to get introduced to some people I'd despise in real life. Then some shit is going to happen to them that I wish would happen to me. Then problems are resolved and enemies vanquished. Well I've had just about enough.
Thus, I have devised a new and better way to tell stories. I am sure I am not alone in knowing that once adopted, my new 17 act play will make the entire movie going experience more enjoyable for everyone.

Act I - Voice Over Introduction
We all know this is the best and most effective way to bring people up to speed. It also affords the viewer time to think about other shit he/she has to do.

Act II - Tits
Let's face facts, a movie without boobs is like a handjob from your sister; you can do it, but it's not all that enjoyable.

Act III - Yossarian Makes Out With Keira Knightly
I think we are all in agreement that this will make any movie better.

Act IV - Slapstick Comedy
Nothing is funnier than watching old people fall down a flight of stairs.

Act V - A Problem
This is the part of the movie when some sort of conflict happens.

Act VI - More Yossarian and Keira Knightly
Only this time we up the ante and we get some tasteful nudity.

Act VII - Terrordome
Admit it, every movie you have ever watched you have thought, "Man. I wish there was a terrordome in this movie." If not, think about how much better How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days would have been had the people had to go to the terrordome.

Act VIII - Comical Interlude With Special Guest
This is crucial. This is the part of the movie where myself, cocaine, unkind and a random special guest break down the movie and offer up comedic opinions about the events.

Act IX - Live Sports Scores
We all want to know the score and now we will be able to have that knowledge.

Act X - The Problems Continues
But the stars of the film seem to be on their way to solving said problems.

Act XI - Yossarian and Keira Knightly Seal the Proverbial Deal
Hardcore porn involving me and the best looking woman on earth.

Act XII - Montage
Lesbians, robots and fat guys getting hit in the groin with random objects all set to Only Time by Enya.

Act XIII - Plot Twist/Apex of Problem
The movie continues and the audience has no idea...

Act XIV - Testimony
Keira Knightly gives a 10 minute brief of how great it was to get down with Yossarian.

Act XV - Climax of Plot
The conflict is over.

Act XVI - Democracy At Work
The audience votes between 10 women Yossarian will bone in future films. Keira Knightly always wins.

Act XVII - Happy Ending
The credits role and every audience member is stroked/jilled off by beautiful naked big-tittied strippers.