Techno D-Day
Right. This is the story of the best Christmas in the history of the world.
I returned from graduate school one evening. My brother was in town and picked me up from the airport. He drove me to this place and I bought a salad. Then he drove me home and my mother cried because she was so surprised that I came home for Christmas. The salad was a most superb blend of lettuce, pimentos, onions, cheese, dressing and artichoke hearts and it tasted like a thousand angles put their titties in my mouth.
Next I went over to my friend's house. K-Luv was there with his then girlfriend, the Elizabeth Shue clone. Our friends Steve and Safia and Cocaine were also there. So we go out drinking. And on account of it was my first night back and the only solid food I had consumed since the third day of the semester was that night's salad, I was well on my way to an epic night.
We were at some bar. I am sure something funny happened.
Then we went to another bar where I am sure more hilarity ensued.
I think we may have either stayed at that bar or gone to another. I am not sure.
Anyway, we ended up running into someone who knew Safia and invited us to a Christmas party when the bars closed. If memory serves, free alcohol was implied if not explicitly mentioned.
So we went to the party. I remember booing some people who missed a pool shot, i believe he was trying to sink the 3. I remember laughing when they said there was no beer. What the fuck kind of Bush-League party doesn't have beer? Lame ones.
So I start walking around shucking and jiving with people until I spot some bottles of alcohol. I, and my memory is very clear here, stole that shit like a jedi. No one saw that shit. I hurried K-Luv out the front door and we walked around back into the alley and drank a bottle of whatever the fuck. Maybe it was wine. Well that shit didn't last long. So I entered the house again and stole the LAST bottle of alcohol in the house. Absolute Peppar. Nasty. Filthy. Kenny and I were taking swigs of it in the alley when the party thrower lets his giant dog outside and the motherfucker keeps barking at us.
Well fuck that.
So I climb the fence and start to pour the bottle into the dogs mouth as it barks at us. Then the dog owner/party thrower/guy who didn't have enough alcohol decides to run outside and starts yelling. K-Luv ran, I said, "Damn. We're in a tight spot." Then I ran.
It was around the time we met back up on the side of the house when we realized it was like 5 in the morning and close to 400 below freezing. We were trying to figure out how to get back into the house to gather our friends and leave when K-Luv said, "Let's just take out coats off." Genius idea man.
So we did.
I think we buried them in the snow actually.
As I was walking to the house our friends came out and Safia was all mad that I ruined the party. Excuse me? Ruined? Hello? I am the party. I run shit son.
We all piled into my car and Safia drove. As we were driving back, I recall delighting everyone's ears to me singing, probably some Christina, when Safia swerves the car and my face bounces off the window it was peacefully resting on as I tried to pass out.
Good times an noodle salad.
I returned from graduate school one evening. My brother was in town and picked me up from the airport. He drove me to this place and I bought a salad. Then he drove me home and my mother cried because she was so surprised that I came home for Christmas. The salad was a most superb blend of lettuce, pimentos, onions, cheese, dressing and artichoke hearts and it tasted like a thousand angles put their titties in my mouth.
Next I went over to my friend's house. K-Luv was there with his then girlfriend, the Elizabeth Shue clone. Our friends Steve and Safia and Cocaine were also there. So we go out drinking. And on account of it was my first night back and the only solid food I had consumed since the third day of the semester was that night's salad, I was well on my way to an epic night.
We were at some bar. I am sure something funny happened.
Then we went to another bar where I am sure more hilarity ensued.
I think we may have either stayed at that bar or gone to another. I am not sure.
Anyway, we ended up running into someone who knew Safia and invited us to a Christmas party when the bars closed. If memory serves, free alcohol was implied if not explicitly mentioned.
So we went to the party. I remember booing some people who missed a pool shot, i believe he was trying to sink the 3. I remember laughing when they said there was no beer. What the fuck kind of Bush-League party doesn't have beer? Lame ones.
So I start walking around shucking and jiving with people until I spot some bottles of alcohol. I, and my memory is very clear here, stole that shit like a jedi. No one saw that shit. I hurried K-Luv out the front door and we walked around back into the alley and drank a bottle of whatever the fuck. Maybe it was wine. Well that shit didn't last long. So I entered the house again and stole the LAST bottle of alcohol in the house. Absolute Peppar. Nasty. Filthy. Kenny and I were taking swigs of it in the alley when the party thrower lets his giant dog outside and the motherfucker keeps barking at us.
Well fuck that.
So I climb the fence and start to pour the bottle into the dogs mouth as it barks at us. Then the dog owner/party thrower/guy who didn't have enough alcohol decides to run outside and starts yelling. K-Luv ran, I said, "Damn. We're in a tight spot." Then I ran.
It was around the time we met back up on the side of the house when we realized it was like 5 in the morning and close to 400 below freezing. We were trying to figure out how to get back into the house to gather our friends and leave when K-Luv said, "Let's just take out coats off." Genius idea man.
So we did.
I think we buried them in the snow actually.
As I was walking to the house our friends came out and Safia was all mad that I ruined the party. Excuse me? Ruined? Hello? I am the party. I run shit son.
We all piled into my car and Safia drove. As we were driving back, I recall delighting everyone's ears to me singing, probably some Christina, when Safia swerves the car and my face bounces off the window it was peacefully resting on as I tried to pass out.
Good times an noodle salad.
Labels: the greatest shit ever
posted by Yossarian at 11:31 PM
4 Comments:
that IS a pretty awesome Christmas story
Cocaine is having a better year than the Dow Jones industrial average
Posted Oct 17th 2007 2:45PM by Jonathan Berr
Filed under: International markets, Law, Google (GOOG), General Electric (GE), Procter and Gamble (PG), News Corp'B' (NWS), Politics, S and P 500, DJIA
That really was a great night. I remember hiding while having no coat, freezing my ass off, and Safia calling me to find out where I was and, thinking there were people in hot pursuit, whispering, "I'm behind a tree!"
Then I got to go home and bang Elizabeth Shue. All in all, not a complete loss.
1000 angels!
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