A Chronicle Of Early Failures
Right. It is now May. My tenth month. Were this a hockey game, we'd be entering the last period. Were this a hockey game there would be ice and rest and some sort of end state to work toward. But this is not hockey, this is war. More importantly, this is my life. This is a part of my life which will forever be defined by words I did not intend. This is a part of my life which will haunt my memory regardless of how many beers or bullets I put into my brain.
It is a funny thing being here. Hilarious even. See, if you don't laugh at how absurd everything is, then you might start to believe it is reality. And believing this is reality is far worse than any hell I can be placed in. This simply cannot be real. This is just a story, being told by someone as an allegory to some point he has thusly not yet made clear to the audience. Which calls into question the sanity of men and women who volunteer to be bit players in this story.
So maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am fucking insane. Maybe I have always hated myself so much that I joined to die. Maybe I couldn't find any worth in myself and therefore no worth in the rest of the world. Maybe I believed people telling me things I knew to be untrue because I couldn't accept the truth. Maybe I was looking to test the proverbial mettle I had heard about.
Maybe, in some way, each of these is true. It is quite possible. I was told all of these things by a smattering of people a while ago. Maybe they knew what they were talking about all along. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had considered these things when I first heard them. Recognizing this fact would mean I am not crazy. Meaning I either never was or have been cured.
If I never was crazy, then where is the problem? If war cured me, then how crazy was I? If this is what it took for me to see clearly, then maybe I was better off living in the fallacy I was living in?
I only say this because it is true. It is too much for too long for me.
I believe I am one of the fairest people alive. I believe I try harder than anyone to be fair when I speak or judge things. I am telling you this as a fact. I wish I could live for a million years bleeding from my eyes and being tortured rather than live out my remaining days knowing I am simply still not good enough for what I want.
It is a funny thing being here. Hilarious even. See, if you don't laugh at how absurd everything is, then you might start to believe it is reality. And believing this is reality is far worse than any hell I can be placed in. This simply cannot be real. This is just a story, being told by someone as an allegory to some point he has thusly not yet made clear to the audience. Which calls into question the sanity of men and women who volunteer to be bit players in this story.
So maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am fucking insane. Maybe I have always hated myself so much that I joined to die. Maybe I couldn't find any worth in myself and therefore no worth in the rest of the world. Maybe I believed people telling me things I knew to be untrue because I couldn't accept the truth. Maybe I was looking to test the proverbial mettle I had heard about.
Maybe, in some way, each of these is true. It is quite possible. I was told all of these things by a smattering of people a while ago. Maybe they knew what they were talking about all along. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had considered these things when I first heard them. Recognizing this fact would mean I am not crazy. Meaning I either never was or have been cured.
If I never was crazy, then where is the problem? If war cured me, then how crazy was I? If this is what it took for me to see clearly, then maybe I was better off living in the fallacy I was living in?
I only say this because it is true. It is too much for too long for me.
I believe I am one of the fairest people alive. I believe I try harder than anyone to be fair when I speak or judge things. I am telling you this as a fact. I wish I could live for a million years bleeding from my eyes and being tortured rather than live out my remaining days knowing I am simply still not good enough for what I want.
Labels: the greatest shit ever
posted by Yossarian at 10:01 AM
3 Comments:
third period. nabakov made the best save i've ever seen. too bad the puck in his glove went past the crease.
i hope you are better than fine.
i also hope that within the next 3 weeks youare able to eat the best turkey sandwich ever.
two thumbs up
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