Visual Music

Right. My nephew is a married man. Allow me to mark this joyous occasion with a recap of your life. Specifically, your life with her.
You must have been like, what, 17? You meet. Love at first site. I know how that is. Beautiful. The way she plucks her eyebrows off and draws them back on. Unevenly. She also thinks it's hot to start the eyebrow stenciling above the middle of the pupil. This does accomplish in drawing attention away from the rest of her malformed face. Seriously. She has no discernable human features. But I digress.
Ahh the good times rolled from there. You went on vacation with the whole family and ran up a 700-dollar phone bill talking to her all day and night. Somehow in the 13 seconds you weren't talking to her for that week and a half, she managed to bone another guy. He subsequently killed himself and she was so distraught over his death you begged your mother for plane fare home to console her. You are a prince. She claims to have met the fellow four hours prior to his death.
But wait. We have more splendid memories to dazzle your future children with about when daddy and mommy dated. We can recant the time she wrote you a sexually explicit letter and left it in your bathroom at your mother's house. The material would have made Red Foxx blush, God rest his smutty soul. Your mother found said letter. Your new wife then proceeded to call your mother a fucking bitch to her face for interfering with, "the true love," the both of you share. Charming.
And who can forget the time I am called over to your house to your mother crying because she just lost a grandchild. Yes it seems your wife was working her biweekly shift at Burger King when a coworker physically attacked her. She has complained about this coworker on a number of documented occasions, but on this one shift, he beats her resulting in the loss of an unborn child the two of you conceived. On account of the fact she has no drivers license at the age of 19 you pick her up from work. She runs up the stairs to retell the shocking story of the abuse. But alas, the whole story was apocryphal when she confessed it was all a lie. The reason for the lie was never disclosed. Sorry you didn't get the big check from suing the fuck out of Burger King. But at least you continued to pour concrete on the solid relationship foundation the two of you are building.
Then, in a very classy move, everyone finds out why she never graduated high school. Turns out when she was a freshman she was caught blowing a number of dudes in a row in the bathroom. The consequent suspension from school only resulted in her mother finding her pulling the flying turkey with four men on the bed she was conceived in. Her mother pulled her from school and she never bothered to take the GED. It is enough to make anyone swell with pride for having the same genetic material as her.
Recently she has faked some new fangled "knee cancer." A medical marvel she is. Hopefully we will all see the miraculous story on a heartwarming edition featured on Dateline. Because I am sure she will beat knee cancer. She has also faked ovarian cancer.
At the very least she has provided me with an arsenal of comedic stories to entertain my friends with. I am happy that the stories will continue to filter down to me. I wish you a long marriage. But such wishes are not needed due to the fact that you being in the Navy and away at sea for months at a time, her penchant to fuck other people, her lack of an education, her lack of ability to operate a motor vehicle, your complete uselessness in every aspect of being a human being and your brain power of a light bulb filament are all very conducive of a happy marriage. I wish you the best, you daft twat.