Roll Tide

Right. Ten years ago I graduated high school. This year, my nephew is graduating high school. He plays football and occasionally asks me to go to games. I oblige, as he came and watched me play when he was a child and I was playing. This past Friday I sped home for two reasons: I was finally getting my car back, and it was his homecoming game. My nephew doesn't play much, but I wanted to see it anyways. He goes to the same high school I went to, so it's nice to see the change in the school and all.
I got into St. Louis, took a shower and went to get my car and watch the game. I met my parents at the game and got my friggin car keys. Fuck yeah. Behind my parents was sitting the hottest woman ever. Anyway, behind her was some mother of some girl I went to high school with. I didn't recognize her. But she directed me to her daughter and her friend. I remembered the two. To boil it down, it's reassuring to know that when the hot girls from high school whom wouldn't talk to me in high school get fat, they still want nothing to do with my ass.
After that I took my car home and fell asleep. I awoke on Saturday and read my book and took naps all day. I made some blueberry muffins, and I ate them. I read some more and took a nap. I watched a movie and went to bed.
Sunday I made some bacon and ate it. I read, watched some football, took a couple naps and went to the porn store. This was the best weekend ever. I got to eat, I saw the hottest woman ever (who looked straight through me) I was visually rejected by fat girls, I read, I got my car back and I did laundry. I also accomplished the greatest task known to man.
I did it. I fucking did it. I can't believe that I did it. I created ten; count them ten, reasons why Kiera Knightly ought to go on a date with me. These reasons are so solid that upon reading them she will have no argument not to date me. So if you know her, tell her to read my shit.
10 – I am pretty funny.
I tell jokes all the time, most of which are funny, all of which are offensive, some of which involve herpes.
9 – Pizza tastes good.
Seriously. Oh she doesn't like pizza? Who cares, just change the word, "pizza" to "coffee" or "beer."
8 – I am the bomb.
I discovered this when I realized that I am probably the coolest person I know.
7 – I won't be calling her back.
I hate the phone. I am not a big fan of email. I don't write letters. I don't own a telegraph. I don't know Morse Code. So I will not be bothering her for a second date. If she wants one, she can call me. Which she will, on account of reason number seven.
6 – She wouldn't have to worry about putting out.
I don't get any with regular women. So I would imagine if I were drinking beers with the best looking woman in the history of best looking women, sex would be the last thing I would expect. Thus I would have ample energy to display reasons number ten and seven.
5 – I like to think that I am somewhat attractive at moments.
And if she doesn't think so, we can just hang out in my car. It has tinted windows so it's really dark in there. Also if we went out on a Saturday night, I would have time to grow my kick ass cool stubble beard. I can't grow this during the week on account of Army regulations.
4 – She won't miss anything cool.
I usually get tired around 9. Ergo, she will still be able to make the cool after party and hook it up with some dipshit who waxes his body hair.
3 – The good-looking child my mother and father conceived is married.
My brother is the pretty one, my mother is the smart one, my father is the hard working one. I am the drunk one. That really has nothing to do with her, but wait...I'm going to have to come back to this.
2 – I want to.
Seriously. I do. So she ought to have the decency to at least give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen?
1 – I have a really great movie idea I need to pitch to her.
It involves a renegade drummer, I'd like to get Nick Cannon to play this role, who learns to be part of a team and not be an individual in order to help the greater good. The greater good is winning a drumming competition against the defending champions who have unethical practices. This movie would be the bomb. No wait. This movie would suck. In fact I never even thought of that movie. You know why I never thought of that tripe? Because it sucks, which is the real reason she ought to date me. Because I am smart enough to not think of that horse shit.