Havana Affair

Dear Yossarian-
It's true that you can meet people on the Internet and then end up making out with them in their car and touching their hard on through their Dockers. This may or may not have happened to me. Either way, I'm scared I will do it again or may WANT to do something like this. While I don't consider this cheating because nobody was naked, I do feel that it can't be entirely morally correct. Please tell me what I can do to ensure I do not stray from the straight and narrow path again, or...just stray for the first time because I never actually did something like this.
Signed,
Anonymous in the Internet

Firstly, this Anonymous shit will not do. I shall dub you Carl, because that's a funny name and it makes this homoerotic.
Carl...wow. I really didn’t expect anyone to take advantage of the Thursday advice column. I intended the new feature as a means to enable me to be lazy and not write. But thank you Carl, because I am here to help. So let’s make with it.
Point of order Carl, why are you making out with a dude who wears Dockers? Was it Easter? Is he heir to the Docker fortune? I mean honestly.
But if the guy is Heir to the Docker fortune and that fortune is immense, then cheat and suck enough money out his dick to pay off my student loans.
Carl, I deduce that you are in a relationship already, as your main concern seems to be guilt of possibly cheating. I am a super sleuth. Anywho, you can guess I am Catholic and all and I could never cheat on anyone I was with. However, my hypocrisy knows no bounds and I will help any woman cheat on her husband or man or boyfriend because that's just how I roll. I'm not proud of it. Yes I am.
Okay so you don't want to cheat I dig it. Have you tried self-mortification? It's a Catholic thing where you take a belt with a spike on it and you tighten it around your thigh until you bleed. It's supposed to cause so much physical pain that when you are tested morally you are too hurt physically to do any wrong. But all it really does is bloody up the pants. So that's out.
Cheating is funny, funny strange, not funny haha. Unless you happen to cheat with a guy wearing Dockers, then it's funny to people like me. But it is strange that even though I have been single for a large part of my life, a small part of me considers it cheating even though I want nothing to do with the one I was once with.
You don't need me to tell you cheating is wrong and I won't, especially if you are a really hot girl and you live a few feet from me. You just seem to want to remove the desire to cheat. The Army has this thing where if you are caught cheating on your spouse, they fire you. A four star general got fired a few months ago. So maybe you could think, "If I cheat I will get fired and have no money and be poor and have to get rid of my Acura." Or maybe, in the heat of the moment when you want to get down, picture the other person as your Father, or Mother or your Great Aunt with the hair lip.
I really suck at this because it's hard for me to get laid so cheating is never really a problem I had afforded to me and thusly had to overcome. But listen Carl, I hope whatever I said was helpful.