Cause You're A Friend Of Mine

Dear Yossarian,

My son is 5 and he wants a pet. He seems to like cats and I was thinking of getting him a kitten. My husband doesn't like cats and I am not fond of them either. He has his heart set on one though. Should I get him a cat or another pet we all can enjoy?

Mommy G

Mommy G,

I'm not a parent. Do you even read this blog? I never get laid, thus it's hard for me sire a child. I don't know the first thing about parenting. That being said, let's begin.
Buy him a dog. This does two things. One, it gets him a pet. Two, it teaches him that life sucks and you don't get anything you want in life. It's important to teach children things.
It will be hard to enjoy a cat though. I am with you there. Fucking bastards. If cats were bigger, they'd be lions and they'd then eat you. I never understood people who have pets like that. "Hey look I just bought a giant anaconda." Good for you. I'm leaving your house and I will start writing my speech and learning to fake tears for the news cameras when they arrive, because that thing will eat you. People with lizards are the worst. If a lizard were bigger it would be a dinosaur. Then it would eat me as well. So when the aliens come down with their enlarging rays and zap your pet, now I'm fucked because you didn't have a loyal dog to get zapped with said enlarging ray and fuck up the alien invaders. Thank you asshead. Thank you for bringing a plague upon both our houses.
Unkind and cocaine both like cats, that's okay, no one is perfect. Someone once told me that a cat is a thinking animal. I live under the impression that cats generally think, "Why am I not a dog?"
Anyway, your kid is 5. Buy him a dog and tell him it's a cat. He won't know the difference until it's too late. This reinforces that life sucks and it also teaches another lesson. It teaches him that you can't trust anyone.
One thing you and your husband might want to look into though. (And this is completely off the subject.) But I always thought it would be a more effective parenting technique to beat my wife in front of the child instead of punishing the child for anything. That way I can say things like, "If you don't want to watch your mother take another beatin' I suggest you get your grades up." This would accomplish two things. It would teach the child that I am a force to be reckoned with, and it would teach the child that life sucks AND you can’t trust anyone. That's 3 lessons for the price of 2. Bargain.
Okay. Problem solved.

Yossarian