08 February 2006

Cause You're A Friend Of Mine

Dear Yossarian,

My son is 5 and he wants a pet. He seems to like cats and I was thinking of getting him a kitten. My husband doesn't like cats and I am not fond of them either. He has his heart set on one though. Should I get him a cat or another pet we all can enjoy?

Mommy G

Mommy G,

I'm not a parent. Do you even read this blog? I never get laid, thus it's hard for me sire a child. I don't know the first thing about parenting. That being said, let's begin.
Buy him a dog. This does two things. One, it gets him a pet. Two, it teaches him that life sucks and you don't get anything you want in life. It's important to teach children things.
It will be hard to enjoy a cat though. I am with you there. Fucking bastards. If cats were bigger, they'd be lions and they'd then eat you. I never understood people who have pets like that. "Hey look I just bought a giant anaconda." Good for you. I'm leaving your house and I will start writing my speech and learning to fake tears for the news cameras when they arrive, because that thing will eat you. People with lizards are the worst. If a lizard were bigger it would be a dinosaur. Then it would eat me as well. So when the aliens come down with their enlarging rays and zap your pet, now I'm fucked because you didn't have a loyal dog to get zapped with said enlarging ray and fuck up the alien invaders. Thank you asshead. Thank you for bringing a plague upon both our houses.
Unkind and cocaine both like cats, that's okay, no one is perfect. Someone once told me that a cat is a thinking animal. I live under the impression that cats generally think, "Why am I not a dog?"
Anyway, your kid is 5. Buy him a dog and tell him it's a cat. He won't know the difference until it's too late. This reinforces that life sucks and it also teaches another lesson. It teaches him that you can't trust anyone.
One thing you and your husband might want to look into though. (And this is completely off the subject.) But I always thought it would be a more effective parenting technique to beat my wife in front of the child instead of punishing the child for anything. That way I can say things like, "If you don't want to watch your mother take another beatin' I suggest you get your grades up." This would accomplish two things. It would teach the child that I am a force to be reckoned with, and it would teach the child that life sucks AND you can’t trust anyone. That's 3 lessons for the price of 2. Bargain.
Okay. Problem solved.

Yossarian

14 Comments:

Blogger unkind said...

This is funny...

...funny how stupid you are for not liking the kitties. I'll refer you to my blog post about why cats are better than dogs.

Well, I won't furnish a link, because I don't know how to do that. But clearly you've forgotten the life lessons I took upside your head.

8/2/06 20:53  
Blogger Erika said...

Dogs are the best, no question. Kittens and maybe cats that act like dogs are ok too. But, absolute hands down winner... ferret. In my humble opinion of course.

8/2/06 23:02  
Blogger unkind said...

That's creepy. Nice marmot.

I think one thing co-dependent retard (i.e. dog) lovers and cat lovers can agree upon is that ferrets should give everyone the heebie-jeebies.

9/2/06 07:24  
Blogger Joe said...

A bargin indeed.

9/2/06 07:38  
Blogger Joe said...

Ok I cannot spell.

a bargain indeed

9/2/06 07:40  
Blogger Erika said...

well, that comes from someone who has also owned geckos, snakes, lizards, turtles, fish, and of course the dogs. So, I guess my former collection would have creeped many people out, including yoss.

9/2/06 09:09  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ferrets attack you and lunge for your neck. that is messed up. if you like cleaning up dog crap and slobber on your clothes, then get a dog. the ideal pet is an indoor/outdoor cat. dog are great under ideal circumstances. a yard. a house. good weather. time to properly train. otherwise they are a destructive force.

9/2/06 15:05  
Blogger meredith said...

The easy pet is the cat. Dogs are a pain in the ass and my theory is that that being cute and blindly loyal is their only defense so we don't kill them (for being such a pain in the ass). Coming home to shit in the house has made me homicidal on more than one occassion. We seem to be over that phase now but I'm still traumatized so that first thing I do when I walk in the door at night is go on a shit hunt.
Most people who don't like cats haven't had one of their own. It's hard to like cats when all you've ever known is other people's cats that slink away and hide when you visit.
A cat would not appreciate becoming the pet of a 5 year-old boy. Unless he's an especially gentle boy.
Ferett's have an odor problem. I mean my dogs get stinky too but the ferett's got one up on everybody with their natural "musky" scent and their heebee-geebee inciting antics.

9/2/06 16:46  
Blogger xTx said...

your brilliance and wisdom consistently blind me.

9/2/06 20:14  
Blogger Blush said...

cats are awesome. sorry, yossarian, but youre wrong this time...cats make you smart.

mmhmm

10/2/06 02:31  
Blogger Yossarian said...

case closed

10/2/06 07:47  
Blogger unkind said...

True. I lose.

In a related story, I just read that a scientist has proposed that there might be a link between cat ownership and schizophrenia.

Coincidence? I think not.

11/2/06 12:43  
Blogger unkind said...

By the by, it's Burt Reynold's 70th birthday today.

11/2/06 16:16  
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