The Defeated Will Fall
Yossarian,I am thinking of taking a much better paying job. The problem is that my girlfriend will have to leave her job and she doesn't want to. She will have to leave her job because my new job will force me to relocate. She also doesn't want to leave her family. Should I try and convince her to come or not take the job?
Sam
Sam,
I think you take the job and trade the old girlfriend in for a new one. Your two courses of action suck. Mine is clearly the supreme course of action. Now I will demonstrate why.
It's like my grandmother always said, "You can lead a whore to culture but the bitch will always leave." That's funny if you think about it. Try saying it out loud. Get it? I usually don't give maps out with my jokes.
Are you going to let this woman dictate how you live your life? Are you going to let an inferior being manipulate you into working your current shit job? She has a brain a third the size of yours. But I doubt it since you are considering staying for her. Are you a woman also? Wait...is Sam short for Samantha? This is getting so hot in my head right now.
Okay scratch what I said before. Stick with your girl. Make out a lot. Fuck each other. Let me watch. Because if you two are half as hot as what I am imagining in my head, this will be great.
Lesbians are so great. Not really. I tend to hate them more than anything. Because it's hard enough for me to compete with all the cool guys with slick hair and tans and jewelry, now I have to compete with fine assed bitches such as you now too. Fuckers.
Something I've always wondered about lesbians is what's up with the attitude. Every lesbian I have ever met, and many suspected and future lesbians, has attitude problems. My question is why. If I knew that I was going to give and receive oral sex on some bitch, I'd be pretty laid back. If you are a lesbian and you are hot, then please drop the attitude. If you are a lesbian and you are not hot, well then I don't understand the attitude at all. See, I have a theory. Ugly, fat or stupid people have no business having attitude problems. Because fuck you. You're fat, what on earth gives you the right to front? Nothing, that's what. Conversely, if you are hot and not a lesbian, then have more attitude. Nothing makes an attractive woman hotter than her being a bitch. Can I get a witness?
On the other hand, you are probably a dude...take the job. Ice Cube said it best, "You can walk or ride, either leave it or love it." Snoop also later elaborated with, "And I really don't love ho's." I believe Snoop also opined with, "If that bitch can't swim, she's bound to drizzound." Clearly hip-hop wants you to take the job. Or maybe you should listen to Mike D who said, "I'm a take that money out your ass you whore." So maybe you could just hate-fuck her once for every ten dollars you lose for not taking the job.
Take the job.
posted by Yossarian at 10:13 PM
11 Comments:
I must be mega hot then because I was so lovingly called a bitch by Meredith...
there comes a time when....i dont know
ya know, there's a national newspaper out there who loses readership everyday because they don't have your advice column in it, every day, next to the suduko puzzles.
Not that I don't wish you success in your army career, but you really should go AWOL and then we could all go to Canada in order to avoid the military police and get all the prescription drugs we can handle. Plus, do you know how dedicated those canucks are to hockey? Y, you would be in frigging heaven. And EVERY incandescently hot girl in Hollywood right now is from, guess where? Canada.
And don't even think of bringing up your line of patriotic horseshit about how you love the U.S. because they invented blue jeans. I seriously doubt you own a pair of blue jeans made in the U.S., you euro fruit.
I want to buy a shitty bar and control the music with an iron fist, and enact a "No rockers allowed unless they're hot girls" policy, and we will stock NO, repeat, NO top shelf liquors, only crappy shit, in order to drive away the douche. And there will be a dip machine that specializes in fruit flavors. Our only bar food will be jerky, ritz crackers, and cashews, because they are delicious; we could also offer to deep fry the aforementioned food. And we post on the wall these policies, plus the fact that we refuse to buy a mop, in the spirit of keeping it nasty. And no bathrooms -- nobody wants to deal with that shit. You gotta piss/puke, you sack up go outside like a man. Maybe we could invest in a hedge that will have a symbiotic relationship with the bar: preventing people from watching the patrons urinate, and in turn, the plant will flourish off the pissers' lost fluids.
This will be the first dive bar truly committed to remaining shitty.
I guarantee I can make this shit work because of my impeccable taste in music, alone. I can't tell you the amount of lame rockers I've converted to the True Church of Underground Hip Hop, but it's a lot. You've clearly been away from me too long if you've fallen from the true teachings into the perdition of Teabag and Sara or whatever penis-destroying anti-music you're currently listening to.
Plus, I have a tendency to make people feel like they need a drink.
Rich. That's what we'll be. And we'll be dead by 40 from malnutrition, destroyed livers and dip-related cancer, just like the good lord intended.
i'm with it. except i like tegan and sara
if you want any twats with legs to come to your bar, you might need at least one bathroom.
and the name of my next underground hip hop band is gonna be MC Drive Away the Douche and the Dip Related Cancers
That's why you need to come back, Y. You're losing cohesion.
And T, didn't you catch the part about the hedge? You'll be fine.
don't get me wrong, i'm all about peeing behind hedges. but you might want really hot girls coming to your bar, and i don't think they do those kinds of things.
It is logically impossible for a girl who won't pee on a hedge to be hot.
Moreover, we could employ some sort of bonsai hedge-shaping techniques to make an enclosed area where the peeing can take place.
i think i will start using the word, "moreover" more often in my daily conversating. It will make me feel supreme.
you had to throw the dip in there. like hot women and shitty beer wouldnt be enough to seal the deal. kissy lips is definitively let in that shit.
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