Fragment This
Right. Women are fucking retarded. Yeah, yeah, God's gift, most precious, mother and life giver and all that jazz, yet still fucking retarded. So when it stays sunny here for more than an hour, I can wash and wax my car and realize why I love it so, because it is beautiful. And will be even more beautiful with these. Front.
Now then. I decide this morning that fuck all. No more cramping myself up in this stuffy apartment. No more 20-hour videogame marathons. No more bullshit. I have a freshly waxed car and money in my pocket. There is only one thing to do...go into beautiful downtown Seattle. And so the decision was made and so the action was taken.
I was living under the fallacy that City Planners were on some sort of SOP. Wrong. St. Louis and Boston have it right. We know how to get it done. Seattle has is dead wrong. Wrong. Wrong as the day is long. Wrong as all get out. Seven different types of wrong. Allow me to elaborate.
In Boston or St. Louis, if you are out and about and you are thirsty, you simply walk to the corner and have yourself a drink. Seattle says, "Nay Nay." Fucking naysayer.
No bars. Coffee up your pink asshole. Bars? Nope. Why? I couldn't tell you. But nothing makes me revert back to my adopted accent quicker and say, "No a fuckin' ba ya retad," than having no bar to drink in. I asked where the bars were and the man looked at me as if I had three heads. Three. I don't. I only have one. Well, then the dickhead. So two, but not three.
Shopping? Yes. Seattle is ripe with obnoxious places to shop. The places and the clientele make me hate all I am, was and might one day be. However, Seattle is rotten with dank bars where I can drink cheaply and listen to music at a reasonable volume.
The skyline is great. It looks lame as fuck on my drive up, but then I see the stitching turning and I realize it is a curveball and I adjust accordingly. From the outside, the skyline looks as if it were attracted to other skylines of the same gender, however what you soon realize is the hills. There are a bunch of hills, which hide much of the area and make for a nice surprise.
Another surprise was the Space Needle. I have no knowledge of what it is or represents. Nor do I wish such knowledge bestowed upon me. But I imagined a fucking Space Needle. You know, something touching space. Nope. It's about as tall as Shaq with Bertuzzi on his shoulders and Todd is holding up a midget. It's not very big. "Did you go up in it?" I was asked about 400 times. No. It's closed. It's Sunday. Fuck off. What could be up in the Space Needle making it worth the hype? Hookers, kegs and fireworks? I'm going back next weekend.
I will return next weekend if only to buy these shoes I saw but didn't buy because I am lame and now my feet are unhappy that they are not in said shoes. Also, I need to scout locations to open a bar to enlighten these people that there is more to life than coffee.
After my Seattle cherry was busted I went to dinner and fell in love with the most beautiful woman to have graced this earth. I will write about her as I crystallize her into memory. She is the reason I born. So I could look upon her and feel again.
posted by Yossarian at 7:16 PM
15 Comments:
From the outside the skyline looks as if it were attracted to other skylines of the same gender,
awesome.
i think i get your title for the first time ever. i may be wrong, but i may be right
something clever
what title?
the title to the post duh
i wasted two minutes of my life reading this....
see seattle is like figure skating except change coffee shops and rain to miniature flexible women and ice
TURIN, Italy – Figure skating is not a sport.
Now, before you whip off your Risport and spike the blade through my aorta, please note that I think figure skaters are not just athletes, but remarkable athletes.
Figure skating requires strength, speed, stamina, dexterity, balance, timing, guts and just about everything other imaginable athletic skill. Certainly, more athletic skill than I could muster.
But figure skating is a competition, not a sport, and it has nothing to do with how difficult or entertaining it is. It is simply a matter of how the winner is determined. It is the same for gymnastics, diving, beauty pageants or anything that chooses a champion solely by human judging.
A sport needs to have a quantifiable way to determine a winner and a loser. There can be no debate about the scoring system. A ball must go into a goal or through a hoop; a runner must reach home or finish before the others. The winners run faster, jump higher, score more.
In some sports a clock is used to determine a winner, but the clock is not subjective. Besides, you can't have 53 guys racing down a ski hill at the same time. The clock is a judge, but it is an objective one.
Figure skating has none of this. Everything is about interpretation of success. It is about what the judge thinks, believes, feels. There is nothing absolutely quantifiable. Yes, the number of revolutions in a jump counts, but in the end if two people do the same jump, a human has to decide which one he or she likes better.
That is not a sport.
Figure skaters wear elaborate costumes in an attempt to appear more appealing, more flowing, more beautiful. The women (and even some men) wear makeup, they get their hair done, they wear jewelry, they play stirring music.
An ugly person would stand at a considerable, if not insurmountable, disadvantage in skating. Sasha Cohen would whip them every time.
As absurd as the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan drama that propelled skating into stratosphere was, it was based partially on the fact that it is a competition, not a sport. Harding was a powerful skater, possibly better at all aspects of skating than Kerrigan. But she was shorter, stockier and less feminine. Although Harding had defeated Kerrigan on occasion, she knew she was at a disadvantage against the taller, prettier, more graceful Kerrigan.
So she conspired with her boyfriend to have Kerrigan whacked in one of her skinny little knees.
In a real sport, this wouldn't have been necessary. Ugly people can win in track, in skiing, in the NFL, in soccer.
Beauty doesn't matter. Style doesn't count. There are no judges.
Some will argue that referees are essentially judges, determining who scores and who doesn't. But a referee is merely there to assure order and make the competitors follow the rules.
Yes, in most sports, the referee has the freedom to determine right and wrong by what he sees – a false start, an illegal advantage – but he is not determining the final victor. His assignment is to simply ensure fair play. The refs can't just say that while one team scored more points, they thought the other one was better anyway.
This creates a bizarre paradox where something like curling is a sport and figure skating isn't, even though to compare the level of necessary athletic ability is comical. But it is what it is. You have to be a stunning athlete to compete in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest but that doesn't make it a sport.
There is one exception to this no-judges rule: boxing (or kickboxing, or other fighting sports). This is fine because a clear victor can be achieved with a knockout (no judge needed). The judges are only used when the fight has gone on so long that it has to be stopped for the safety of the competitors. If they keep beating on each other, someone could die.
Of course, the presence of judges is why boxing is considered the most corrupt sport.
Other than that, no judge should ever determine a winner in a true sport. When you have that, whether it is ice skating, gymnastics or diving, you have a competition.
It isn't any different than American Idol. It can be fun to watch, the athletes can be talented and tenacious, it can be a great competition, but it isn't a sport.
It just isn't.
by the wetzel guy.
something clever
what about boxing? if a dude doesnt get knocked out they judge the fight. is boxing a sport?
2 whole minutes?
what other sport is like this? i dont watch it on television, but pictures what they are pulling in front of the world....on ice....excellent
notably
Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin of Russia
reference this http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/torino2006/figure_skating/photo?slug=56165220sj106_olympics_day_&prov=getty
what's up now? says maxim
not wasting two minutes of my life reading this blog. i wasted my time reading that garbage about ice skating
clarification, check it
that female skater isnt even a brunette
something clever
so boxing is a competition and chess is a sport? sweet.
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