Only Nineteen

Dear Yossarian,

I have a date with a girl from school and I am very excited. She is very pretty. We decided to get some food and watch a movie. My question to you is what is a good date movie for a first date with a girl you really like?

Nick

Nick,

Yes you sound very excited. Dating. My expertise. You came to the right man. Let's get down to the nitty gritty.
Some people will put out a lot of misinformation about what makes a good date movie. Certain people believe crude humor makes for the best movie, something like The Aristocrats. This point of view stems from the hope that once the words, idea and thoughts are out there and laughed at it makes for easier conversation. It also serves as a gauge by which to measure the person you are with. If they don't find it funny or if they become all uptight about it, chances are you don't want to know that person for very long.
However, this point of view negates the fact that sometimes people who act all uptight make with the boning in violent and pleasurable ways. It's best not to piss those people off, unless you don't like fucking.
Other people will tell you that romantic comedies are your best bet. A man stumbled upon this idea when he realized that these movies have one important thing in common with women on a chromosomal level: a complete lack of rationale, reason and logic.
I tend not to use this method because while it may work, you still have to watch that tripe. There are limits to what I will do to get laid, and watching Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks kiss is over the line.
Some believe that a good old-fashioned, red-blooded American slasher is fodder for screwing and extended fondling and make out sessions. This trick was first though of by a guy driving an El Camino and listening to Molly Hatchet. He figured this out when he needed something scarier than his personal hygiene to bring the women in close to him.
I tend not to traumatize women into fucking me. It leads to a bad place I don't necessarily like to go. You do what you want.
I knew one guy who would go rent a movie, and on the way home slip the movie out and replace it with porn. Then when his date and him sat down to watch a movie, straight butt-fucking. Then he would either get laid or act all pissed upon her reaction and he would call the video store and complain and raise a fuss. This display usually got him laid.
I do not have the testicular size or the acting ability, which are prerequisites to pull off this option.
I have found that there is one definitive date movie. That movie is Conan. You sit a girl down on a couch and watch Conan and it is guaranteed sex. Conan the Barbarian is such a good movie on so many levels that the female brain cannot comprehend the pure brilliance of the film and then the female brain has a choice to make. One, it can accept the fact it is behind the intellectual power curve or it can earn a sense of self worth for its host by putting out. I know where this leads.