Quest For Failure

Right. It's high time I put my foot down. It is time I inform you of the standard. I have sat back in fear of banishment long enough. No more. Today I will school you all in the subject of the almighty bar.
First, let me tell you a little story and then I promise I will tie it in. Just stick with me here. I am minding my own business the other day and I get an AIM message from some putz. He (she?) asks me to explain how I can be so lovely and sensitive when describing women, and then turn around and refer to women as bitches and inferior beings. I'm sorry. There is a social spice called sarcasm. When not used any putz, including yourself, can understand the joke. When used just right, decent people understand it. When overly used the sarcasm is only understood between a few close friends. I tend to like spice so I'm somewhere in between just right and too much. So I am sorry you are a putz. I expect a little more from my readers. I expect you to get it. If you don't get it then that just isn't good enough. You need to do better. (An interesting point to contemplate...which side of the afore mentioned issue am I being sarcastic about?)
It's the same for bars. I expect more out of your establishment and I am often disappointed. That is not good enough. If you have a cover charge, I will not drink in your bar. That's just dumb.
Too often bars open up and feel they need some sort of gimmick. That isn't good enough. I know what the place is. It's a bar. The purpose of a bar is to drink. You can dress my girlfriend up as Batgirl, and I'm still only fucking my girlfriend. Sports bars are fine, because I have a bit of a penchant to enjoy sporting events, but I tend to enjoy sports more in my residence.
If the big selling point of your bar is that you have a dance floor, that isn't good enough. Dancing is stupid. Yes it attracts hot girls. Yes people tend to enjoy it. Yes you can get a lot of mileage out of the same dance track and girls will bum rush the floor saying, "This my song girl!!" All of those facts are true for crank, and I think we are all in agreement that crank is bad for you. Yes, I have been privy to a, "This my blow girl!"
Another shenanigan, I still haven't figured out the reasons for, which bars enjoy adding to their atmosphere is obnoxious levels of volume. They make up for it my selecting obnoxious bass and crap to play for my listening pleasure. This isn't good enough. You can do better. I like to be able to hear the person I am talking to. Anytime I find out someone likes to go to one of those bars I know right away that they have nothing to say and I ought to look into finding someone else to hang out with. I have said it before but I will say it again because it is true, music is like make up, it is best when you don’t know it's there.
One of my favorite things bars do is split the bar. Those half dance floor and half pool hall type bars. Okay look, the first thing my mother taught me is that you cannot be everything to everyone. This nugget of wisdom was reinforced when I later learned the same rule in BASIC MARKETING. Pick something and go with it. Coke whores don't like pool sharks.
If the bar you like to go to the most has smoke machines with any of the following: neon, strobe or flashing laser lights, you ought to reexamine your life. That's brainless.
I do not want to get started on the lame as fuck, hipper than thou, shaggy hair, denim jacket, emo or whateverthefuck new fangled rocker bar. We all know that’s not good enough. That's why no one with an income level, education level or point of view not given to them from the radio frequents one.
What happened to going to a bar, sitting down and drinking with friends? What happened to alcohol adding to the fun not making the fun? Now I have to wear a wristband to prove I'm 21? Fuck that. Kick the little bastards to the curb or tell them to go get fake id’s so they can learn to drink and socialize.