Everything You Do Is Balloon

Right. Some people, I won't name names here, but some people, after eating large amounts of asparagus have the most vile, inhumane and room-clearing gas known to man. I am disgusting even myself. This is horrible.
When Lord when? When's gonna be my time?
You might be wondering my review of Hostel. I will tell you: I passed out. So instead I will give my review of the latest in cinematic genius...X-Men 3. As I am sure you know, X-Men 3 is the third movie in a series that thus far has been so fat my asshole gapes upon viewing. The third is no exception.
It starts out with some bullshit that really has nothing to do with the movie. Except it shows that professor X once could walk and Jean Grey was more powerful when she was a child than when we first met her in her adulthood. It also reinforces that Charles and Magneto were once buddies, something you may have missed if you have never heard anything about anything.
Then we meet Angel. While he is never called by this name in the movie, it's cool because you know he is Angel. You know this because you had to be reminded that Charles and Magneto were friends, but you are an expert on Angel. Then we fast forward to present day and Cyclops is being a cry baby pussy. He must have read the script.
Then we see some next generation X-Men. These future hero types have powers ranging from Turning on the TV with brain waves, taking notes without a pencil and being smart for an 11 year old. It's around this time Storm makes it all rainy and shitty outside, for no reason.
Then some shit happened that didn't make much sense and Wolverine finds Jean Grey. She is still attractive. I should mention that Storm is now dying the roots of her hair black. So we have Jean Grey back, she apparently killed cyclops. He'll be missed.
She gets all up ons with Wolverine before busting his ass and leaving the mansion. Then the Professor yells at people, something he has clearly done in every scene I've never seen in the X-Men movies. He then blamed Wolverine for some shit and explained that he put up some blocks in her mind to keep Jean Grey sane. The insane part of her is known as Phoenix. This is important. Wolverine cries.
Okay so meanwhile, Magneto busts out Mystique from a traveling prison. He also frees a guy who can spawn himself and the mutant Juggernaut. This is good to know because see, I always thought Juggernaut was the half-brother of Charles and wasn't a mutant but had some crystal he found in Korea that gave him his power and his helmet was in place ot keep his half-brother from fucking him all up. I was wrong.
Mystique loses her power because the government found a cure to the mutant gene and they have weaponized this crazy serum. Magneto has formed a band of mutants who will stand up and fight the man. Good for him. Oh and Beast is some sort of congressman. Good for him.
So the cure is voluntary and there is a really long line of mutants to get the cure. The mutants all looked normal. Which made sense.
Kitty Pryde and Iceman start to hit it off and this pisses off Rogue. She decided to go get the cure so she can fuck Iceman. This would also negate her from being able to go to school with him as she wouldn't have any mutant power.
Jean Grey kills Charles. Wolverine cries.
Beast hooks up with the X-Men.
Turns out that the cure comes from this one boy whose mutant power is to negate the power of other mutants. Well, Magneto is going to get this boy. I'm not sure how because as soon as he comes within 10 feet he'll just be an old guy, but I am sure he has a plan. I think Wolverine cried.
A human Mystique gives the cops false information, helping Magneto, who left her stranded and naked in the mobile jail.
Magneto takes the Golden Gate Bridge to the place where the boy is. He could just as easily take a bus or something but he took a bridge. I think this made Wolverine cry.
Angel is about to be cured but busts out because he likes his wings. I always thought he hated his wings. I thought he was first in line to get them removed. I thought that was why he hooked up with Apocolypse, because he promised to get rid of the wings. I was wrongs. Angel loves his wings.
Big fight and I think there was a love-thing happening between Wolverine and Storm, but he was too busy crying to fuck. The X-Men win and stab maneto with the serum and he looses his power. I should also mention tha the whole Army had plastic guns in place to fight Magneto.
Wolverine cries and Jean Grey turns into the Phoenix, sans firey wings. Wolverine kills Jean Grey with a claw to the gut and cries.
Then the X-Men take that little boy who damn near fucked everything up with his negating mutant power mutant power in to school. I'm sure he's popular. They burried everyone and I was out of Sprite and had to pee.
It turns out Kitty Pryde and Colossus aren't an item. I've yet to see Gambit. Charles Xavier is a right bastard and not the outstanding mentor we were led to believe. Wolverine cries a lot. Everyone is either dead or powerless.
The movie kept setting things up and never explaining on them. Lots of questions remain. The biggest question I have is: Can I have my 9 bucks back? Why would they ruin a perfectly good franchise? WHy was I on the side of Magneto here? Sheesh.
This movie blows.