I'm Abacus The Magician

Right. Rome is a splendid city with an energy I can appreciate. I had a blast. I went with my friends Paul and his wife and four children. They are Mormon, so it was difficult to do everything I wanted to do. I went with them to Prague on my trip there and we had a good time and I had a good time in Rome, but they could have been better.
Don't get me wrong. I did some seriously messed up shit in Rome. But I was accosted by damn near 5 billion women wanting to fuck. Alas, I could not due to the heavy Mormon influence on my trip, so no boning in Rome for Yossarian.
I got thrown out of the Coliseum because I hoped a fence and stood on the floor and I tried to get all the tourists to chant my name. I'm not sure which part of that is the big problem.
I scaled another fence and had my picture taken stand with a bunch of ruins. That almost landed me in jail.
I bought a fake Rolex, which doesn't work and that seemed to be perfectly acceptable.
I found a pair of sunglasses that look good on me so I bought them.
I got eye fucked every 12 seconds. I was given numbers out of the blue and could have straight run shit like the mob had I been with competent wingmen.
I did a pull up in the Coliseum.
I did a pull up in the Vatican.
I filmed the tomb of Pope John Paul II when I wasn't supposed to and got yelled at in the Vatican.
I bought a pair of boots.
I filmed, and made no effort to keep it a secret, the Sistine Chapel when I wasn’t supposed to and have on film some dude threatening me to break my video camera.
I ran around the streets of Rome in the Morning and ran a 5:12 mile.
I ran on the track of the Circus where they had the Chariot races.
I saw the most amazing works of art in the world.
I got some sort of virus from drinking water there and shit water for close to 6 hours straight when I got home. I convulsed and vomited and slept in my bathroom. It was almost like being real drunk without being real drunk.
All in all, Rome was a smashing success and I was impressed with everything from the Spanish steps to this kick ass fountain. Everything there was great and I had a good time. It sucked not being with my family on Christmas, but hopefully next Christmas I will be preparing to leave the Army and find some job I hate but that pays more.
I know everyone is wondering with great anticipation where I will go next. If I get my way, I will be in Afghanistan or Iraq in a month or so. If not I will make my way east. I'd like to see Transylvania, Moscow and Athens. If I go west I want to see Paris and hit up something in Spain. The last place I will see before my triumphant return to friends and family will be Dublin.
I hope you all had a nice Christmas and I just want you to know that I could have had so much Italian ass that it would boggle your mind. Those women are beautiful and dress fantastically.