What The Fuck Is With This New Blogger?

Right. This is gay. I hate this new blogger bullshit. It's wicked retarded. I don't know what the hell is going on. I am sure I am the last monther fucker on the earth to get down with this new stupid version of blogger. But whatever.

So I understand the Oscar's were last night. Good. I think I am prepared and qualified to give predictions of who won. I am prepared because I didn't watch the awards nor any of the movies except maybe two, and I am qualified because I have never been wrong about anything ever. So let's make with it. (If for purely conspatorial reasons, one of my predictions is wrong please know that I was right had everything been working properly with the world. It's a vast left or right wing conspiracy depending on which side is being the bigger douche at the moment.)

I will only predict the awards that matter. Most of them are dumb and no one knows what the fuck a sound editor does.

Best Supporting Actor: Marky Mark, Alan Arkin, Eddie Murphy, Jackie Earle Haley and Djimon Hounsou.

The winner is: The Clash's London Calling. A suprise here considering it wasn't nominated nor is the greatest record ever even an actor. But the rest of the asshats don't deserve an award and as far as I am concerned an award show that doesn't present an awaerd to this record isn't worth my time.

Best Leading Actress: Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench, Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren.

The winner is: In what is clearly an oversight of the boner Keira Knightly inspired in Pirates of the Whocares, Penelope Cruz is hot and deserves an Oscar. Considering I've dubbed my Keira Knightly inspired wood "Oscar."

Best Director: Whoever the hell directed: Babel, The Departed, The Queen, United 93 and Letters From Iwo Jima.

The winner is: What the hell is directing? How is it hard? In what capacity in the survival of our species is directing people to say what they memorized an integral part in keeping us alive? Why has no movie I've ever liked been nominated for an award? I was once told if you watch a movie without sound, you can tell what the quality of the director. I watched, "Christmas Vacation," without sound once and it was still funny and that guy didn't win a fucking thing. Anyway, I've seen none of these movies but I wanted to see Babel so that guy wins.

Best Leading Male: Will Smith, Peter O'Toole, Forest Whitaker, Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio.

The winner is: No one who entertained me this past year that's for sure. I will let you in on a secret, the trailer for that Will Smith movie made me cry, so I think he should win.

Best Supporting Female: Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Hudson, Abigail Breslin, Adriana Barraza and Rinko Kikuchi.

The winner is: Who the fuck are these women? I haven't heard of a single one. I'd have given the award to that woman from Ricky Bobby. She's hot. That movie was funny. Rosario Dawson is hot too. Clerks 2 was funny. Why is nothing I like nominated? Who cares who wins this? Not me. I'll shoot with Cate Blanchett because I like the name Kate.

Best Picture: Babel, The Departed, The Queen, Letters from Iwo Jima and Little Miss Sunshine.

The winner is: Snakes on a Plane.

Movies I've seen this year that are great and will never get an award: Cars, Ice Age, Ricky Bobby, Nacho Libre, Rocky Balboa, The Break Up, Clerks 2 and the goriest movie ever Apocalypto.