Blue Steel .45

Right. I went to the dumbest country ever this weekend. Austria. That country is stupid. First of all, I give a fuck about the European Union, I want stamps in my passport. The airport did it in Italy for me, and there is an actual border to the republic of Czech, and even though they thought I was stupid they stamped the fucker. There is a little sign that says something to the effect that you may or may not be in Austria. So no one stamped my passport.
Then I ate. While the food is Austria is similar to that in Bavaria, it managed to be a tiny bit better than the horse shit they serve in Bavaria. It still sucked, but there was ketchup. Ketchup goes a long way. Except for Barbarian ketchup, you have to drench your food in the shit to get the bad taste out of your mouth.
Then I went around some town and couldn't help but notice that Austria is the polar opposite of Los Angeles, in that the ugliest 3% of women in the world live there. It was awful. But Austrian food gave me gas, so I farted every time I walked past a woman. It made me happy to think I gave their nose what they gave my eyes.
Then I went to sleep watching a form of billiards called snooker. Snooker rules and was not invented by anyone affiliated with Germany or Austria.
Then came that fateful day I decided to climb a mountain. Not rock climbing. I climbed a fucking mountain. It was the dumbest thing I ever did. I mean, it was fun and I laughed a lot, but who climbs a fucking mountain? I do. We took this cable car up the mountain and then climbed the bitch to the top. There I am with ropes and D rings and spikes and shit, climbing a mountain and I thought about this girl I dated in grad school and I dropped the fucking camera, along with my helmet. I don't know why my helmet was off, but it was and I dropped it. Me and my buddy climbed the rest of the way and then we tied the rope into a Swiss seat and came on down the mountain. It was pointless. Nothing was up there. No hot bitches. No fireworks. No chupacabra. Nothing. Someone else even posted a flag.
After the mountain I bought a 20 dollar cup of hot chocolate and called it a trip. We hit the autobahn and came home. He to his wife and children and me to my attic.
Then I played Civilization until 6 in the morning. Then I slept for an hour. Then I got a haircut. Next I ate lunch. Then I ran 5 miles. Then I swam for a while. Then I came home and showered. Then I had to reset my Ipod because it is also stupid. Then I listened to John Denver. Then I blogged. Now I am thinking about what else I could be doing with my time. Next I will drink gin from the bottle and think about jerking off.
This weekend was great.