Great Odin's Raven

Right. I think that everyone who knows me would describe me as even-tempered and easy-going. I think it's fair to say that I rarely react rashly. I also think it's obvious that things seldom bother me. All that changed Saturday night.
I park my car on a street and enter a bar. Nothing new. I do this from time to time. I exit the bar around closing time and walk to my car. I enter my car and something is different. I can't use my driver’s side mirror. Hmmm? This is interesting. I think to myself, "It's probably because my tint is so dark and maybe a street light is out or something." I roll my window down. No mirror. Gone.
I open my car door and take a look around. It appears someone thought it acceptable to scrape the side of my car removing most of my paint and my mirror. I devise a plan.
I think of myself as an admirable man. I look for challenges and overcome them. I now have a new challenge. I now must hit the streets Punisher style and find this dickless fuck and ruin his life. Punisher style. My plan is as follows. I hit the streets with an alias of Casey McDustrell. But my friends call me Lurch. I enter certain circles of scum and cretins. I befriend them and earn a rep. You know, street cred. I find the shit ass that hit my car. I knock him out and drag his ass into his car. I drive to an abandoned hospital I know of and duct tape him to the floor. For good measure I cut his fingers off with a rusty steak knife. I close his wounds by burning them closed with homemade napalm. Equal parts of gasoline and Styrofoam. I leave for a bit and secure some medical equipment. I return and hook him up to machines, which will keep him alive. It is now when I begin to display what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.
I will remove his eyelids with tweezers and cigarettes. I remove the tape from his mouth on account of my desire to hear his screams. I will then show him before and after photographs of my car, and explain that while I was standing in a swamp ten feet from an alligator the only thing that kept me from quitting was the thought of buying this car. I will then leave again and find his mother, or children if he has any. I will then proceed to skin them alive in front of him. I will leave him alive with the blood of his family seeping into his wounds for a couple of days. I will then cut a seven-inch incision into his stomach. I will insert a weed-whacker into this opening and turn it on, shredding his insides and watch him die.
I doubt anyone would find me guilty, as this clearly isn't premeditated.