Force Hydration

YO YOss

I knEeD TO now hoW tOo Git wiT dIs NoicE LoOKIng grrrrl from claSS ShE iz tHe sHizznit anD I wANt Her badD sHe SO fINe n I jusS WonNA Beet it UP How Can I LET hER no How I FEel aND leTtiN heR nO I ain’t a HateR oR a PLayA i aM SeriUs aBoUT this GrrRL WaT a GUd wAy tWo LEt da WoMAn no

TyMe

Dear Slappy McPherson,

I once fell in love in English class too.
My calendar is far superior to yours. My methods of calculating time are far superior to yours in every way. So if you think about it, I am on time in ways you will never comprehend. What does this have to do with your question? Nothing. I simply thought you ought to know.
Well then, about your query. It's a simple equation. Hookers times loneliness divided by organ grinders equals monkey hearts. New monkey heart plus hookers equals hooker monkeys. What the fuck am I talking about? I'm just making sense.
It must be embarrassing if you were to have to take your tapeworm to court because it was delinquent on paying you rent. I wonder what would be more embarrassing than that. Using the Internet to date maybe, or maybe carving a statue of a man out of soap and sleeping with it. That would be terribly traumatic. I am the man and the sooner you get that through your head the better.
I think if I were to come up with a movie idea it would involve really hot women desiring me in ways I would desire their respective mothers.
I can't believe this is the last letter I have asking for advice.

Yossarian