2006 - You're Quite A Woman But I Don't Wanna Be Your Man

Right. A new year is upon me. Superb. In the year past I have done some shit. Most of it is not worth mentioning, some of it is worth a parade and all of it bores me when I think of it today. I could recant tales of hookers boned, cities visited, meals eaten and women obsessed over, but instead I will do what I am best at – predict the future.
In 2007 the year of our lord a lot of shit will happen. Most of it will bother me, some of it will pleasure me with its mouth and all of it will be remembered by those remembering trivial aspects of life.
I'm thinking that's not really predicting. Fuck. Now I have to get into a trance and shit.
I predict that Fergie will put out even worse music than she has prior to 2007. Making us all miss her London Bridge bit.
I predict this will be my last full year in the Army. The Army will be just fine without me and I it.
I predict that even if I get a real life horseshoe and hang it upside down above my door, you still wouldn't be attracted to me. Making this prediction strange because no one knows who "you" is.
I predict that as my leadership time ends, my run time will get real slow.
I predict I will do all in my power to make it to Korea this year.
I predict that if this fake Rolex I bought doesn't start working properly, I will blow it the fuck up.
I predict that when I piss next, it will rule. And I was right.
I predict that Janet Fitch will be exposed as a horrible author and she will give me back my 20 bucks for this boring bullshit I am reading. I could read better things from shit stains on a snare drum.
I predict that I will not run my fingers through anyone's hair this year. That is unfortunate.
I see the Yankees winning the World Series.
I know this year will blow.
I predict I will shank that motherfucker if he keeps looking this way.
I predict that if you skip work for a week and meet me in Old Mexico we could have fun and possibly run away for ever living under fake names. I predict that if we did this it would rule.
I predict that sooner or later I'll have to clean up in here.
I predict that I will spend no less than 25,000 dollars on alcohol this year.
I predict that I will be hailed as the most genius man ever when I unveil my drunken thoughts to the scientific community through a mind link I will create one day while I am trying to make shampoo out of the right mixture of body wash, water and scope.
I predict that this year I will divorce Keira Knightly as the hottest woman ever and marry Ziyi Zhang as the hottest woman ever. I suspect this will happen in about 6 months.
Happy New Year. May the next 365 days bring you happiness and peace.