It Is Also A Boy's Dream

Right. I like to say sheesh. I also like to say schuck and jive. I also like to waste long weekends by getting drunk during the day and then running for an hour and a half each night.
Every damn time I make the noble effort to jerk off, I get a sudden case of the most terrible gas known to man. Then I put my business away and start to do something else, and the gas goes away. I make plans and preparations to shake hands with the unemployed again and sweet merciful crap I almost choke myself out. I don't know what to do about this.
I am drunk right now. That shouldn't come as a big surprise, considering I am always drunk. Seriously. I wake up and bong beer just to get through the day. Not true. I go run, come home and bong beer before I shower to make it through the day. I like to run. I wish my whole life could be spent running and working out.
The worst thing about being drunk so much is that I always have to check my sent email box to ensure I didn't act the ass the night before.
The best thing about being drunk all the time is that I am in constant surprise of my own life. "Wow. I did that?" Is something I usually ask. I also am like a detective, constantly piecing the puzzle together of events I made happen while tying one on.
All in all, I could make the case that I am smarter because I drink. But the reality of the matter is that I only drink because I really have nothing else in my life. Army. Drinking. Army. Army. Drinking. Army. Drinking. The occasional phone call home. That's my life. Once in a while I go eat something. But mostly, it's all Army and drinking.
I ate kangaroo and crocodile a few weeks back. If you haven't, then you ought. Because kangaroo is the bomb. Crocodile is a little fishy, but splendid nonetheless. I was at this restaurant that I think translates to "Steak on a Stone." I was like yeah right because the German peoples have a problem with eating cow. But we went in and sure enough there was cow. But also a whole mess of crap I have never eaten before. So I order and they bring this raw meat out to you on this stone. The stone is hot and you cut a piece of raw meat, press that piece against this stone and it cooks right there. It was the jet. Every bite was cooked to my specifications because I cooked it. Every piece was still hot when entering my mouth. It was the best shit ever. I want to open one up in the states.
I wrote this post in the future. Time isn't as linear as one might think. But then again, it's entirely linear. I am lying. I wrote this shit in the past. As usual. As usual I am lying and as usual I am writing this in the past. Stupid military hasn't given me the keys to the time machine yet.
If the Army did give me the keys to Betsy, the time machine, then bet your ass things would be different.
1 - I'd go into the future and get a shitty job and make shitty money for a year. Then I'd take that shitty money to the past where, due to inflation, that money is worth quite a bit. No wait, this is complicated as fuck. I would go to tomorrow and rob like a billion dollars worth of gold. Then I would take that gold and go back in time to like the year 2000. Then I'd hook up with year 2000 Yossarian and diversify my bonds. Zip my ass now to the present and enjoy the bitches of today. Genius.
I'd also go back in the day and stop the shitheads from burning the Great Library. I'd hook up Julius Caesar with a glock the day before motherfuckers wanted to act up. I'd give Alexander the Great a few grenades. I'd stop John Lennon from making music and his buddy Paul. I'd tell everyone who shot J.R. I'd kill Biggie and Tupac the day before they actually died. I'd hang out with Elvis.
I'd do a lot of shit. But mostly I'd try beer from every era in human history.
One would think that since I am a grown ass man and it is the middle of January that I would have packed up the Santa Nutcracker. Wrong. I still use that little motherfucker to handle all communications. I think it keeps getting funnier. Like on Friday when the Sergeant Major asked me something fucked up and I grabbed Santa and said, "Wow. I see the fully functional brain I got you didn't arrive yet. Maybe next year." No I didn't. But I wanted to. My Sergeant Major is a retard.