Trying To Do Right By You
Right. Divorces are messy. Messier than the nut sprayed out prior to the divorce. This will be my third divorce, all because of my cursed infidelity. I am sorry ladies. From the depths of my gullet I am sorry. But times change and a man grows older.
My first marriage was to Elvira. Ahh Elvira. You gave me my first sexual boner. For that I rewarded you with being the thoughts behind my first batch ran. It was a good batch.
I cheated on you with a slew of women. Elizabeth Shue comes to mind. I almost divorced you for Joan Jett, but the thing was, I really thought we had something. Elvira, while we are no longer married, you are not forgotten. I still think of you sometimes and they are fond memories.
I divorced Elvira for Niki Taylor the supermmodel. I could have written off all others had it not been for my raging hormones and the fact that you made me feel inferior. For the first time I cheated not because of a wandering eye, but out of a deep seeded need to be loved. A need you only fulfilled when you wanted. I cheated on you with a bevy of women. I can't even remember them all. Jenny McCarthy had stripped her way into my life while we were married. But I was too young and you were too pretty for it to last. I miss you.
Claire, by far you were the longest lasting marriage I have ever had. We were married right through high school and through college. It was a beautiful thing you and I. Of course your participation in our marriage was sporadic at best so I cheated with Natalie Portman, Gwen Stephanie, Jessica Biel and various porn stars, but My heart always belonged to you. You were and still are the wind beneath my wings.
Keira Knightley. I knew from the first moment I saw you that we would marry. And I tried to remain as faithful as possible. I fell to Famke Jansen a few times and Zoe Saldana a handful of times, but it was all physical and looking back, it saddens me that I did that to you. The occasional porn star was there as well but the point is, I loved you, with all of my soul.
And now I would like to take this time to say my vows. I Yossarian, having put all of my whoring in the past, have decided upon walking the isle and for the last time in my life marrying. The divorce from Keira was hard, but in the end it made my resolve stronger and I now take you, Ziyi Zhang as the hottest woman on the earth. May this marriage last forever and I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hottest woman alive:
My first marriage was to Elvira. Ahh Elvira. You gave me my first sexual boner. For that I rewarded you with being the thoughts behind my first batch ran. It was a good batch. I cheated on you with a slew of women. Elizabeth Shue comes to mind. I almost divorced you for Joan Jett, but the thing was, I really thought we had something. Elvira, while we are no longer married, you are not forgotten. I still think of you sometimes and they are fond memories.
I divorced Elvira for Niki Taylor the supermmodel. I could have written off all others had it not been for my raging hormones and the fact that you made me feel inferior. For the first time I cheated not because of a wandering eye, but out of a deep seeded need to be loved. A need you only fulfilled when you wanted. I cheated on you with a bevy of women. I can't even remember them all. Jenny McCarthy had stripped her way into my life while we were married. But I was too young and you were too pretty for it to last. I miss you.Claire, by far you were the longest lasting marriage I have ever had. We were married right through high school and through college. It was a beautiful thing you and I. Of course your participation in our marriage was sporadic at best so I cheated with Natalie Portman, Gwen Stephanie, Jessica Biel and various porn stars, but My heart always belonged to you. You were and still are the wind beneath my wings.Keira Knightley. I knew from the first moment I saw you that we would marry. And I tried to remain as faithful as possible. I fell to Famke Jansen a few times and Zoe Saldana a handful of times, but it was all physical and looking back, it saddens me that I did that to you. The occasional porn star was there as well but the point is, I loved you, with all of my soul.And now I would like to take this time to say my vows. I Yossarian, having put all of my whoring in the past, have decided upon walking the isle and for the last time in my life marrying. The divorce from Keira was hard, but in the end it made my resolve stronger and I now take you, Ziyi Zhang as the hottest woman on the earth. May this marriage last forever and I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hottest woman alive:
posted by Yossarian at 7:30 AM
3 Comments:
yes, she is beautiful. but it would be hard for me to marry someone who's name sounds like Chinese Batman fighting sound effects.
ziyi. yes. famke jansen. yes. elvira of course. niki sure. you managed to find a picture of keira that makes her look like a walking skull. shame. claire danes is great, if you like women that look like boys. and make bad movies. shanky had this fascination with claire. never understood it. she is loved by all women that write poetry in places they shouldn't.
i checked out your myspace page. you crack me up, man!
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