California Sun
Right. Genius just struck. Genius slapped me with its cock and sprayed its intelligence all over my face and I lapped it up like a crack victim. This is seriously the best idea ever. I am making you privy to it because you need to partake.I am done with the army in spring of 2008. May. What will follow is genius. It is a 3-6-man/woman operation. So I need some help here people. I only know 2 people and I know one won't want to do it.
One man needs to buy a van. I don’t care what kind of van. The uglier the better. One person needs to bring entertainment. That person will need to stock up on the jokes, stories, hooker money and ice. One person will need to bring the suave talking. We may need him to get us in/out of trouble. I will bring a map I started working on 12 minutes ago. We all need to bring cash money or an ATM card. More people are welcome but their jobs will mainly be to find me dumb women to serve their country on a war hardened man.
I digress, so here is what we do. We get into the van. We commence the shucking and we get to the jiving. We travel. "Where to Yoss," you will ask. "Shut the fuck up and drive," I will reply. Anywho, after I have my anger out my system, we hit every major league ball park and watch a game. That’s fucking right.
I want to see PETCO Park. I want to hang out by the pool where the Diamondbacks play. I want to get drunk as hell with no throwing up at an Oakland game. I will do all of them, in two action-packed filled months. You will accompany me. We will have fun.
Here is what I need you to do. I need you to get in touch with unkind, because upon reading this, his job is to draft up a legally binding contract, which you will sign. All this contract says is that you are down to ride. You don't need to read it. Just sign the fucker. Then after unkind has collected your lawfully binding agreements, you need to get in contact with cocaine. He will administer physicals to determine how fit you are to travel across the greatest nation on the planet. If you are female, the video camera is simply to verify no ill shit went down. It is NOT there for me to use as masturbatory inspiration.
Who is down? Speak now. Slots are filling up fast, and if you are female and attractive, slots will fill up fast if you catch my drift.
posted by Yossarian at 1:20 PM
17 Comments:
i will be done with my training spring 2008 approx june/july
you will be done early, clearly as i cant just wait around all summer with no job
no throwing up at the oakland game. why not?
listen here, yoss. as you know, the whole crew is good at waiting around with no job. we sub specialized at drinking on borrowed money. that is our skill and our art.
haha, yes. again, cocaine, you might just be better than the real thing.
im always down for whatever
sign me, and my slots, up pronto.
i hate baseball, but it will work in your favor, because I will make the beer runs for you so you can enjoy the game.
This will be great! Like the A Team with sex and hookers and anger.
1) This is the most cliched guy road trip idea ever. I guess we'd better have a van with a DVD player and "Field of Dreams" on repeat, so you two can cry and hold each other. On the other hand, I've got nothing better to do. And I do like the baseball.
2) I did pretty poorly in contracts class.
3) Who the fuck restored blush's talking privileges?
My work here is never done.
Cliche my dickhead. Genius, you must not have read that part. But good call on the DVD player in the van. We can also watch Major League and The Bad News Bears Go to Japan and The Natural.
This is going to rule. This is how we will roll. One big circle. Bring extra socks. One thing the Army has taught me is to bring a lot of socks.
1. St Louis
2. Kansas City
3. Colorado
4. Seattle
5. San Francisco
6. Oakland
7. Los Angles
8. Los Angles
9. San Diego
10. Arizona
11. Houston
12. Texas
13. Atlanta
14. Florida
15. Tampa Bay
16. Washington DC
17. Baltimore
18. New York
19. New York
20. Boston
21. Toronto
22. Philadelphia
23. Pittsburgh
24. Cincinnati
25. Cleveland
26. Detroit
27. Milwaukee
28. Minnesota
29. Chicago
30. Chicago
i didnt think that i was going cause my shit ended late. we could just stop in pittsburgh, forget the list from 24 on, and live there forever.
wait. reality.
1. pittsburgh likely sux. i've never been there.
2. i am retarded
3. unkind needs to stop being right
4. unkind needs to pick up his phone and stop screening me
5. yoss needs to realize that i all likelihood i would probably puke at a game, oakland is as good as any. im never getting hammered drunk in the city of brotherly love
6. talk about cliched. when i was in philly i ran with this girl at 0445 in the morning and did the steps of the art museum rocky style. now i know that that is gay as shit, but i am still going to see the new rocky movie.
7. oh yeah, while in philly i had the cheesy beef and it was okay.
8. v for v**********
9. i dont look like ichabod crane
10. girls with color contacts or shitty tattoes, even the back tattoe, need to stop it
11. at indian weddings, they steal the grooms shoes then barter them back for money. what does this mean
12. the PT cruiser is a super flamer rental car. never let them pull the switcharoo on you and give you this car
13. standing up an old girlfriend from years ago is a great way to never ever talk again.
14. you cant push a rope, but you can pull the hell out of it
15. HUA....answer me yoss!
16. i want us to stop at the black fraternity in the movie roadtrip and watch the choreographed dance to run dmc's its tricky
HUA...it sounds good. no one really knows, at least no one ive talked to.
the possibilities are endless.
what unkind doesnt know is that this is all one big expensive ruse to make him fall in love with pittsburgh.
im not fucking around with this. i am serious. i have a map all plotted out. we are doing this. do not pull some ol' "i cant i have this girl and my mom is sick and i have sand in my vagina and my job won't let me and all in all im a dork" bullshit on this. we are doing this. itll be great.
and whilst in new york maybe cocaine can hook up with the cipriot he wants to run 4 miles to bone.
shes no longer a virgin, so smack it up.
while in boston we can hang out with justin.
while in florida we can hang out with strippers
while in san diego we can watch anchorman
while in LA I can not get laid (this can be all of the cities actually)
while in toronto we can go to a legal whore house
while in minnesota we can ask where are all the black people
while in seattle we can wonder why people here drink coors...this place is lame
Let me know when the Mystery Machine is rolling through SD!
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Of course, this whole plan is contingent upon you not losing your damn mind again and joining the French Foreign Legion or some shit. You know, for a super-making-good-sense reason like, "I like it when life sucks."
Woman logic.
woman logic is toilet water. before you flush
listen to this flimflam dribble i wrote to unkind...blah blah blah
however, i enjoy talking to her and i like the sound of her voice. what you said was going to happen did not come true: i would go there and my mental construct of her would crumble in the light of her real world faults. she is very passionate and a good person. i like her body, i like the way she respects me, i like the way she holds my hand. i am sure that this will be both a point of discussion and a point of debate in the future.......
can you believe that shit came from cocainacious typing. what a crock of shit. i must have been out of my mind.....this girl wasnt real. she was an delusion brought on by vodka, poisoned by chernobyl. i've been under alot of stress lately
what can i say. you're right. im wrong. chalk another one, k.
I'm telling you, I have a gift for telling other people what to do. If only I could use that same remarkable insight on my own life, I would be all set.
Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » »
Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » »
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