Chad McGreevvy Killed Willie McBride

Dear Yossarian,
I came across your blog and enjoy reading it and I saw you have an advice column. I am 22 years old and I am thinking about joining the Army. I want your opinion on if it is a good idea or not. Also I have a criminal record so I want to know if i could even join.

Thanks,

Tom

Dear Mikey,

You want to join the Army huh? Sure. I don't know. You want me to reccomend? I do. I don't. Whatever.
First of all Al, I don't want you to. You have a criminal background, and it is my experience that those of you with criminal backgrounds suck balls. I mean, you come in like the Army owes you something and how you don't need it. Well if you don't need it, stay on the block and hustle and nickle and dime your way to prison. Stay out of my way. I need to get good at killing, or you're going to make me good at dying.
Second of all Nick, the Army is very different than anything else. You do not have the rights you think you are entitled to when you serve. You do not have time to yourself and you have to give a lot. It's the nature of the beast.
I figure what you mean Roy is, "Is the Army too hard." If that is a question you need an answer to, then the answer is yes.
We run a lot Eddie. Push ups don't matter. Nothing matters except for your run. If you can run well, your entire Army experience will be easier.
The days are long and hard Pete. You will bust your ass, and coming in as a private means you will get every shit detail that comes along. So get used to heavy lifting and sweeping.
We spend a lot of time away Carl. Get used to the field and no touch with the world for a few months at a time.
But it isn't all bad Frank. You get to blow shit up. Which is bragable. Also depeding upon your MOS (Job) you can be a bad ass.
You get a lot of time off Wade. You will get at least one four-day weekend a month. You also get a bunch of vacation days.
The Army is too easy Ian. Run. Do what you are told. Be motivated. How hard is that? It's too fucking easy.
Some of the people are the greatest in the world Hank. Some of the people you will meet, should you join, will amaze you. I find myself wishing I can become 1/10 of some of the people I work with.
In summation Ronald, yes. I think you should have sex with beautiful naked big-tittied bitches. And yes I think you ought to cum on their faces.