I Am Big In Japan

Right. Holy fucking Christ how I hate Aliens. I mean what the fuck? I want to meet you. I want to see you. I want to hang out. I want to go for a ride on your spaceship. But you fuckers seem to visit everyone but me. Well fuck that. I mean, I like space. Why not me? I'd like to be the first one to go public with a hot Alien girlfriend I am boning. But if the Aliens don't come down to abduct me, then how am I going to do that? I can't that's how.
This weekend was wild. I decided that I was going to go to Prague again, by myself, that means without the Mormon crew. I had been paid and been training so much I hadn't spent a whole lot of dough, so I wanted to do one thing and one thing only: bone paid whores as if it were my job to bone paid whores.
Now with the exchange rate and the going price for female companionship, I figured I had enough grip to lay into no less than 76 paid whores. I really wanted a MILF. Because as everyone knows, I love MILFs. Love them. I can't get enough of them. I seriously love them. They are the greatest thing known to man.
Anyway, I am walking down the blocks and blocks of paid whores hanging out of windows enticing me in every language known to man. I saw this one South American girl who was fucking hot as shit, but she wasn't 40 so I made a mental note to make my way back, because my first nut was for a MILF.
I walked about 8 of the 10 paid whore blocks when I saw this one entrance had fire lighting the door into the brothel. Superhero Yossarian kicked in and I thought, "I am going to bust in and save the paid whores from the clear inferno and maybe get laid for free. I hope there's a MILF up in that bitch." I drew closer and the fire was clearly a marketing tool. This very tall and lean woman covered in tattoos and wearing a latex body suit tells me to come in. Damn it. I wanted a MILF and this girl was like 20. Fuck. What is a fella to do?
I stood there debating boning hot latex tattoo girl or saying, "No. I want a MILF." But then I remembered all the older dominatrix chicks I see on the Internet are not hot, so I didn't say anything in fear that she would leave and be replaced by some fat old skag I am forced to bone. As I stood there, another woman showed up with red hair and even more latex. Less tattoos though.
In unison they tell me to come in the fucking door. They even said fucking. I had no choice now.
I enter. I get the both of them. Have I mentioned I was drunk yet? Because I was. I was hammered. Wrecked. Bombed out of my tree. To say the least, I had imbibed some drinks before hand.
Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was my own sadistic nature, but I paid for what i can only describe as "The Bomb Package." Because it was in fact the bomb. In fact, I think the only device of torture that wasn't there was the bomb. Everything else was used liberally across various parts of my body.
So as one woman burns, whips, scratches or punches me the other is either blowing or boning me. I did very little of the boning as it is impossible to be the boner when you are chained from the ceiling and have your feet shackled to the floor. You're more the bonee in that particular situation. And I was getting the proverbial wreck put on me.
I have to tell you before I go on. This was the greatest thing that has ever, will ever happen to not only me, but anyone on the planet. Ever. Period. Except for maybe using a hollowed out plastic Jesus as a flask. But that is more the coolest thing, not the best thing.
The two paid whores continue taking turns abusing me and trying to get me off. They even brought out the amyl nitrite, which I was told brings on the orgasm. Amyl nitrite is the jet. Everyone should do that whilst boning. I, however, was finally on the same page with Jim and the twins as I fought off the orgasm because if I came, they would have stopped, and I never wanted them to stop. So now, before one would start boning me she would shove this bottle up my nose and then get to work while the other would use various devices to inflict harm.
It was about this time that without letting anyone know, the redhead loosened the chains and I fell forward as the tattoo girl thrusts back her head and slams it into my jaw. They apologized and finished me off.
I was going to go find a MILF, only I couldn't move my mouth. My jaw hurt. So I went to my hotel and put some ice on it. I woke up and tossed my plans of more paid whores away as I drove home to see the doctor. Jaw is broken. Wired shut. 3 weeks. No food. Everything through a straw. It hurts.
So when I see my boss and I am clearly busted up and bruised and cut up and I have my jaw wired shut he says, "What the fuck happened to you Yossarian?" I can't tell him I was getting boned by paid whore dominatrixes when they broke my jaw. So with a wired jaw I say, "I'm part of the Fight Club sir. I'm in the Fight Club. I can't talk about it." He laughed. I left. This is my life.