The Other Half Fell

Right. How corruptible can one man be? Just ask Paul Wolfowitz, putz extraordinaire. Start a war and get promoted to the head of the World Bank, and then fuck that up too. Nice job asshat.
If you ever have your jaw wired shut, please do not try to make popcorn into a smoothie. It tastes horrible and also the kernels clog up the ol' straw.
Other foods that suck in liquid from include but are not limited to: Doritos, Subway, Bologna, raisins, pizza, beef jerky, shrimp chips, asparagus and spinach.
It is also important to note that with most of those foods, some type of liquid is required in the blender. I am not sure what to use, but water, Gatorade, Gin or Budweiser are not acceptable nor do they bring anything to the table in the flavor department.
I tried ordering an ice machine for our deployment, it was denied. Other people got ice makers for the office, but when I try to order an ice machine, it gets denied. Apparently the Department of Defense doesn't believe that a 5 inch sheet of ice should be placed in a airplane hangar for hockey. The Zamboni was also denied.
I tried to order stupid shit because I was hoping on some level someone higher than me would read it and realize how stupid everything is in not only the war but like, the whole Army is in fact operating.
I seriously hate everyone in my office. Like, I take pleasure in the fact that one day they will die. They are such obnoxious assholes. And for fuck sakes do they waste time. I can do everything I have to do and then some by 11AM. But they have to discuss and debate everything. It took me 45 minutes to explain the Harvard comma and why it wasn't necessary. In retrospect, I should have just put the fucker in. Then for the rest of the 8 hours I sat in a meeting the other day, I thought, "Wow. If it takes 45 minutes to discuss the Harvard comma, then due to time and level of complexity, it must take 60 years to convince higher that what we are doing isn't working.
If you ever have a boss and you hate your job, then I do not suggest you ever say, "I'm not doing this because I no longer work for you. I now work for a higher power. And you sir, are no higher power." Only bad things happen.
Conversely, if you are a boss and your underlings hate you and one says, "I'm not doing this because I no longer work for you. I now work for a higher power. And you sir, are no higher power." Then I think you should refrain from screaming your head off until you have to take blood pressure medicine and rest until you commence the yelling again.
I am concerned about the amount I shit. Both numerically and the quantity of shit that falls from my ass. I haven't been eating any more or less and my amount of exercise has not decreased or increased. However, I haven't shit in like a week. This is odd. Usually I shit a good 5 times a day. I mean good healthy fat assed logs that hurt and end with a gratifying plop. Lately...nothing. I sit there and grunt and nothing. I hope this doesn't mean anything.
We are putting all of these packets together for the deployment. They are a pain in my white royal Irish ass. I mean for Christ's sake I think the goddamn Army had my social security number. But I need to write it around 4 billion times on these forms.
Anyway, I decide to have fun on these forms, because I like to have fun. So on one form I have to write my burial instructions in case I were to die in the war zone. I will have you know that I requested NOT to be buried in any military clothing. This pissed off a few people who consider themselves my boss.
Then I requested the ENTIRE book of Revelation to be read at my funeral. This also upset some folks. But I'm dead and I always wanted to read it and now that I got the time, you'll read it and I'll listen.
Next I requested the song, "Straight to Hell" by the Clash to be played at my funeral. A song the Army finds "bad."
Then after I am laid out, I said I want to be cremated. How cool is that? Cool. I requested my ashes be spread at Fenway Station in Boston, because I love that place. The inscription on my urn will read: "Died Bravely Saving A Group Of Orphans From A Burning School Bus." This caused the most commotion.
"You can't have that written on your fucking tombstone Yossarian."
"I'm not getting a tombstone. I'm being cremated. It'll be on my urn sir."
"That's not the fucking point. We can't lie"
"You don't do the inscription"
"Look fuck-stick. That's not the goddamn point."
"Sir look. I'll be dead. I won't care. To tell you the truth, I don't care now. Fucking figure it out. I'll be dead and I do not want to be known or remembered as some guy who got iced during this occupation. If I am going to die for a lie, I will be remembered for mine."
That pretty much ended it.