A Peculiar Compendium of Serious Nothingness

Right. So Sergeant Hardcandy called me last weekend and made me go down to some Army post to fix some paperwork issues. Naturally ten minutes of work turned into three days of wasted time and wasted leave. Thus, I was unable to spend time with K-Luv before he had to leave town. The Army is one soul-crushing defeat after another I swear to God.
I have a big fucking headache right now. I am assuming it is from the quantity of beer I imbibed last night. But it may be something totally different. This alien turtle could have slowly burrowed into my head last night during my slumber. A little know fact about the elusive alien turtle is that its ass has the ability to look like my hair. Ergo, I wouldn't even know if that happened because that fucking turtle is self-camouflaging.
I like to remain calm. Calmness is key. That's what I always say. But I will tell you something that outrages me. It vexes me to the point where a three state killing spree is in order. Why are girls wearing pants under skirts these days? This will not stand. So stop. Tell others to stop. Because it is unnecessary and wrong.
Let me inspire you. Let me tell you that you're special. Allow me to inform you that the wisdom of the ages could not have described your beauty. If I can impart upon you that the poets of old could never have imagined your importance to me and to the world. The world is a better place because you are in it, and I am a better person because I am in your aura. You are destined for great things and I am blessed that I live during your time.
You deserve more.
I'm going to go look up more porn.