10 June 2008


Right. I simply have nothing to say. I feel truly dead inside. I know for a fact I am not dead though. I went to the medics today on account of sinus pain and leaking. What should have been: "Here is some Sudafed," turned into a goddamn physical.
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 159lbs
Blood Pressure: 108 over 63
Pulse: 71
What is important to note is that I have a pulse. I did not think I had one. I apparently also have a form of Anemia and I have a cold. I was hoping for malaria. I am sure I have some sort of nerve damage as my legs from my thighs to my knees are numb as I am laying in my bed at night or sitting in a chair. So I will have to go back.
I go on leave soon. God I cannot wait. I wanted to be in Greece for my 30th birthday, but made a promise to someone I would spend it here. So I will go mid-July instead. I hate broken promises. Almost as much as I hate broken bones. But all can be fixed with the right cast and setting.
I saw this kid today, he is about seven years old. All he knows is war. He smiled and I gave him a Pepsi. Then he pointed me in a direction where there were some old Russian rockets rigged to blow up. I had a playground and a broken arm at seven. He has a Pepsi and a bomb. It is God's will. Not mine. It is my job. Not who I am. I keep telling myself these things anyway.
Some people think I am a negative person. I cannot understand the difference between negative and being honest. If something is wring, how is it negative to say so? If something will fail, how is it negative to recognize it? Positivity and negativity are relative. Thinking in a certain way has no influence on an outcome. Only work and desire do. Even then, it isn't enough.
I am having trouble sleeping. I am alone. I am tired. I am in bed. I stare. I think. I imagine. I wonder. I argue with God. I am in the Army. I am in Iraq. I am in a complete state of an emotion I do not know. I smoke cigarettes and I whiten my teeth. I am false. Everything about me is wrong and out of place. I cannot sleep through the imagined screams of rape.