09 November 2004

And I Eat In Beautiful Restaurants

Right. In five hours, I will leave. I am looking forward to life after training, but in a way that is life. We, in the very least I, tend to perceive the present as a preamble to the future. Slugging my way through the now, in hopes that tomorrow will be better. The grass is always greener I suppose.
I had this thing written but I will not post it. It seems a moot effort now and a little silly. I would like to extend my love to all those who have read, commented or linked me up. I appreciate it and I will post again. I have 24 weeks before life is any type of normal again, Sheesh. But I guess that this is the type of thing that you do and then gain the courage to do when it is over. The next time I post I will be 2nd Lieutenant Yossarian.
I don't really know what to say. This is my life now and for better or worse I lust live it. I pray training goes well. I love you Tron. You're a good man. I'll see you when I finish my training. I'll send my address so we can write. Tell Mrs. Tron I say hello. Y'all need to start making babies. There is more I would like to say; I just forget it right now. Please forgive me for my scatterbrain.
I wish you all the best of luck in your endeavors.

08 November 2004

Too Few To Mention

Right. That is Orpheus. He played the lyre and sang. He could tame wild animals with his voice. He even made trees uproot themselves and follow him because of his skill on the lyre and the sweetness in his voice. A son of Apollo killed his wife, and Orpheus followed her to the underworld where he played for the King of the Dead. The King let him take his wife back, but under the conditions of the arrangement; Orpheus could not look at her. He did, and was torn limb from limb. His head continued to sing as it floated to sea.
Tomorrow at 5:30 in the P.M. I, the Yossarian, will leave for the next 24 weeks to accomplish Basic Training and Officer Candidate School. I am past my fear now, for there is no reason to fear. The past few weeks I have been ashamed of myself. I was ashamed that, for the first time in my life, I feared something other than God. I was ashamed that, for the past 26 years of my life, I have failed to recognize my own limitations as a human being. But mostly I have been ashamed that, until now, I had no semblance as to what I should have done with my time, and even now, I have failed to do it.
I will post tomorrow with my final post before being an Officer in the United States Army. I will continue this again when I get out of training. But today, I would like to publicly apologize and exorcise the demons in an attempt to bring peace to myself by stating, as clearly and as succinctly as I can, what I wish I had done more of. Not that I will be dead, but I will be different. And if I do these things now, I'll do them as a grown man with real responsibilities. Not as a young man without a care in the world. So while if I do these things now, the end is the same, but the means are different.
I wish I had made more jam and various pickled goods with my mom. I wish I had drunk more with my father. I wish I were less taciturn. I wish I had made love to many more women. I wish I had bought that couch I saw in Canada. I wish I had taught my nephews more. I wish I were more understanding of my nieces. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time in the basement playing videogames, when I could have spent time with my mom and dad. I wish I had told my dad I love him. I wish I could have made more people laugh. I wish I had bought the whole bar a drink. I wish I had gone to church more. I wish I had been nicer to my roommates. I wish I had invented the flying car. I wish I had read more. I wish I had been working out harder and running further. I wish I hadn't cried during Old Yeller. I wish I had kept in contact with more people. I wish I had been able to spend more time with my brother. I wish I had the cognitive capacity to understand him. I wish I had spent more time with Mike before he died. I wish I had told my father how smart he is and how much I appreciate him. I wish I had watched my mouth more. I wish that every time I got drunk it were to remember and not to forget. I wish I had learned to dance. I wish I had told Joe I loved him before he died. I wish I had learned to paint. I wish I had majored in what I truly wanted to major in, and not what I thought I could make more money in. I wish I hadn't wrecked my first car. I wish I had the balls to piss on the third rail. I wish I had given more money to the homeless. I wish I hadn't ever have gotten a tattoo. I wish I had helped my father more. I wish I had never yelled or lied to my mother. I wish I had let everyone in my life know how important they are to me.

06 November 2004

I Circle Like Sharks While Y'all Panic

Right. Maybe I should have gone to law school. Christ I am nervous. Part of me wishes I would win like 300 million in the lottery. Yeah, I need to hit the number. That's the life for me. I would just sit back. Buy a bunch of land and build a neighborhood. Sell the houses at cost or below cost to people whom are decent. Move my all my family in the neighborhood. Build a church. Coach little league. Build a homeless shelter in the city, a nice one with single rooms and cable television. It would have showers and people working there to help peeps find jobs and make it on their own like that lady from TV. I'd set up a drug rehab center for teens too. I'd send the children of my sister and future children of my brother to college. I'd have Sunday dinner at my house for my whole family. It would suck on account of I don't really get along with most of my family, but I would do it anyway. My priest in Boston told me that the reason God puts us in the family we are in is so we learn to live and deal with people we wouldn't like in everyday life. And I would go all out on Holliday's. Tasteful extravagance. That's what I'm all about. I would really enjoy that life. I would totally fund a little league football team too. I'd coach and help the kids out and all. I'd even build an ice rink so kids, myself included, could learn to skate and play hockey. I'd build a library in the neighborhood too and maybe even an art museum. I would just watch the neighborhood grow up and pay for college for all the kids. But I think that is why I will never be rich.

05 November 2004

Sixty Ten

Right. Fuck. I leave soon. I watched 1984 last night. My review: Whatever. I liked the book but the movie, not so much. Most books are better than the movie anyway. Except for A Clockwork Orange. They both sucked equally. In my humble opinion.
So Arafat is about to die. Shit is really going to get interesting. No matter the side of the fence, these are exciting times. The world may be all puppy dogs and lollipops when he dies. I believe it's true.
Have you ever been sitting around in the morning and the phone won't stop ringing? So you answer it and it someone wanting to get free clothes so you naturally hang up. Then the phone starts ringing again and it won't stop so you answer it and it's someone wanting you to give money to the firemen, so you hang up. Then the phone starts ringing again and you answer and it's some dude trying to sell you a timeshare. Then the phone rings again and you pick it up and scream, "Fucking A. It's 7 in the morning. I just want to eat my crunch berries in peace. What is so fucking important you couldn't wait 2 hours to call?" And it turns out that it is Claire Danes wanting to, "Ride the jalopy till the tires fall off." But now she won't because you yelled at her. Has that ever happened to you? Me neither.
So I have this scratch on the roof of my mouth that I can't stop tonguing. When I do stop, I like to breath in real fast and listen to it whistle. It's Friday. I'm tired. I need to work out but I am sore. I love you all.

04 November 2004

Change Arrangements On Your Face

Right. People fucking baffle me. I swear to god. I don't get it. People are elated and gloating or pissed and sulking. The coffee I am drinking would taste just the same had Kerry won. I would still be going to Iraq and Afghanistan had Kerry won. I would still be nervous about the training had Kerry won. I still hate my car, hair and lack of furniture and Bush won.
I guess I should break it down. I feel I ought. I will loose readership, but to be fair, it isn't all that high to begin with. I just see things like this. This is no new shit. Nothing here is new. America is the sole super power, thus we police the world. Not new. The Hittites did it and 172 super powers later, we must. For better or worse we do it. Does anyone really look forward to it, or enjoy it? I doubt it. Have we been perfect? Clearly no. Have we done any good? I believe so. I believe we have done a lot of good. So I am sitting in an ethics class two days after September 11th. I had just got news that I was going to grad school and decided to join the service when it ended. A lot of shit went down. Some I agreed with, some I didn't. But I was still going to join. Why? I see it like this: I believe that if we can help people in the long run then I have an obligation to fight or die for that possibility. The little Iraqi girl right now crying and worried about the bombs will grow to live in a country free of bombs, American troops and a dictatorship. The Afghan kids will grow up not knowing what the Taliban was. They won't know what their parents went through. Now of course shit could all go to hell and blow the fuck up and be a disaster. But we won't know if nothing is done. I am willing to die for this effort. That's essentially it. I don't want to get into the whole debate over it because there are 4,000,000,000,000 hairs to be split over each side of the coin, and subtle minds will do that regardless. But like, it can't be civil. Someone always ends up pissed and tempers flare because no one listens to the other. It's depressing. So I will end it with that.
So yeah I know this is the second time I posted a picture of Icarus. But he is my favorite, aside from Achilles. I mean dude had it going on. To quote my favorite line from Chappelle's Show, "Nigga can fly man. He believes in himself." He fell though. He came too close to the sun and died. He didn't stay humble. Pride kills us all. But so do bathtubs, cancer, bleeding, car accidents, falling pianos and elephants. Old age doesn't kill us though. Old age causes cells to deteriorate leaving us susceptible to disease. Our sustentacular cells are particularly prone to this. Thus we die from complications of cell deterioration brought on by old age, but not old age.

03 November 2004

Discussing More Rates On A Higher Level

Right. So it's over. All over. No more fighting. No more bullshit. No more bottles to my head. All that jazz about provisional ballots was weird. I mean. I don't know. I wasn't even offered a provisional ballot yesterday. Just a guy saying, "Your vote won't count." But check it. Dude won popular and electoral. I didn't expect anything like that to happen. I expected Kerry to win. So I guess I got to give the man his props.
Another man I have got to give his props to is Daddy. And by Daddy I clearly mean me. I rule. Yossarian rules. So Fuck. I leave the 10th. I am freaking out, but in a strictly ruling way. On account of how I rule and all.
I tell you what I am going to do the day I get done with training. After Basic. After OCS. After Ranger School. After Intel. I am going to smoke a carton of cigarettes. As I am doing that I am going to smile. Because I deserve it. I'd say I would go get laid, but let's be honest with each other. I can't make that happen.
So fuck. Nothing is really going on. Just the election and all. I don't feel like talking about it. I need to run. My anxiety about training is about to give me a heart attack.

02 November 2004

Half Man Half Shark

Right. Sorry for the time lapse between posts. I know you've been waiting with bated breath to read my shit. It's what happens when you are as intrinsically cool as I. So did you vote? I did. I left my house at nine in the morning and got home at two in the afternoon. See on account of all my moving things seem to have been fucked. Last month I was told to go to the last polling place I voted at. I went and was told I wasn't in the book. I could vote but it wouldn't count. Sweet. Can I jump on that opportunity? That sounds like a nice practice run. So I went to the polling place near my current address. I wasn't in the book and was told the same thing. Why the hell would they let me vote if they were just going to throw it away? Who takes that deal anyway? So I went to the big joint here in St. Louis and waited in line for most of my life. I was in line with this nice black lady whom was having the same troubles as I. Did you see that? I just started and ended a sentence with the same word. SKILLS!!!! Any who, we were shucking and jiving together and she laughed a lot at my jokes. Then, I filled out a bunch of forms and was able to vote and it counts. So I don't have to worry about P Diddy killing me.
I won't tell you whom I voted for. Mainly because I suppose you can deduce that if you have read my shit. I don't really feel like getting into it. I will say that I am bummed out that Evil Alien Robot Overlords was not an option afforded to me this time around.
So like. Fuck. One week. I am nervous as fuck. It's not doubt or fear or whatever. It's the training; I'm a little scared about all the training. Christ. Pray for me during the training please. It's frightening.
Did I tell you that my old priest in Boston and this crazy clairvoyant I spoke with here both informed me that I wouldn't live past 30? Well, I think it's safe to say I beat cancer.