27 May 2006

Blind Indiference To Your Fellow Man

Right. I for one am fucking tired of the standard three act play. Fuck that. I got it. I go see a movie and I know what to expect. I'm going to get introduced to some people I'd despise in real life. Then some shit is going to happen to them that I wish would happen to me. Then problems are resolved and enemies vanquished. Well I've had just about enough.
Thus, I have devised a new and better way to tell stories. I am sure I am not alone in knowing that once adopted, my new 17 act play will make the entire movie going experience more enjoyable for everyone.

Act I - Voice Over Introduction
We all know this is the best and most effective way to bring people up to speed. It also affords the viewer time to think about other shit he/she has to do.

Act II - Tits
Let's face facts, a movie without boobs is like a handjob from your sister; you can do it, but it's not all that enjoyable.

Act III - Yossarian Makes Out With Keira Knightly
I think we are all in agreement that this will make any movie better.

Act IV - Slapstick Comedy
Nothing is funnier than watching old people fall down a flight of stairs.

Act V - A Problem
This is the part of the movie when some sort of conflict happens.

Act VI - More Yossarian and Keira Knightly
Only this time we up the ante and we get some tasteful nudity.

Act VII - Terrordome
Admit it, every movie you have ever watched you have thought, "Man. I wish there was a terrordome in this movie." If not, think about how much better How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days would have been had the people had to go to the terrordome.

Act VIII - Comical Interlude With Special Guest
This is crucial. This is the part of the movie where myself, cocaine, unkind and a random special guest break down the movie and offer up comedic opinions about the events.

Act IX - Live Sports Scores
We all want to know the score and now we will be able to have that knowledge.

Act X - The Problems Continues
But the stars of the film seem to be on their way to solving said problems.

Act XI - Yossarian and Keira Knightly Seal the Proverbial Deal
Hardcore porn involving me and the best looking woman on earth.

Act XII - Montage
Lesbians, robots and fat guys getting hit in the groin with random objects all set to Only Time by Enya.

Act XIII - Plot Twist/Apex of Problem
The movie continues and the audience has no idea...

Act XIV - Testimony
Keira Knightly gives a 10 minute brief of how great it was to get down with Yossarian.

Act XV - Climax of Plot
The conflict is over.

Act XVI - Democracy At Work
The audience votes between 10 women Yossarian will bone in future films. Keira Knightly always wins.

Act XVII - Happy Ending
The credits role and every audience member is stroked/jilled off by beautiful naked big-tittied strippers.

26 May 2006

And Then There Was More

Right. My computer is back, but only in the sense that it is here on my desk. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. So it's not back and in full effect. It's more like when you had a brand new toy as a child and it worked properly, and then you went to school and upon your return home your brother had beat the shit out of your new toy and your mom tried to fix it, but since she can't meld plastic the thing is fucked and won't work right ever. I guess it's more like getting your pitching arm back after a botched Tommy John's surgery. You can throw, but you ain't going to hit your spots again. My computer just sucks.
What else? This whole, "movement to Germany," thing is a pain in my ass. Then I found out two days ago that I will be the 2nd Platoon Leader in the Army to get a new version of this certain vehicle. This means I will be training on it the entire time before deployment. All this means to you is that my plan to meet a hot and rich Eastern European woman to marry is now fucked.
I think the main reason I like Chad McGreevy so much is because he, like myself, doesn't give a fuck about the apple cart. We illustrated this characteristic by lighting an apple cart on fire the other day. I also like Chad because he has genius escape plans. The kind of escape plans that are genius. He's great.
I been tired.
I'm about to get a new tattoo.
Have you ever seen? I think it's strange you never knew.
We waited at the same time in the same place but for different things. I read a three month old issue of Time Magazine while she filed her nails. I watched her from the corner of my eye as I pretended to be interested in the article. She watched her nails. I was holding back from coughing up a lung as she limped to the water cooler. She drank as I awoke from a slumber I didn't realize I was sleeping until I saw her. She grinned at me as if she had seen a million people wake up. I got my breathing under control in order to stop the urge to cough and sooth my throat. She sat one chair closer to me. I tossed the magazine aside and tied my shoe. She limped past me and ran her fingers through my hair. I didn't know a rose could carry a rifle.

25 May 2006

Scare Your Wolves Away

I am the greatest and I have my Mac back. I'll be up in your ass like a gerbil soon.

16 May 2006

Dumb Sum Bitches

This is my first day with a PC. I hate it. More to follow as soon as I figure out Windows. Bitches.

09 May 2006

Help Me Name My Nephew

Right. And then you just want to come around like ain't nothing happen when you said that shit. Well fuck all that. Me and Chad McGreevy have something for you. It's called you fucking right off. All you do is talk and Chad and I are in agreement that you waste all your energy flapping your man-pleasers. I had to calm Mr. McGreevy down and tell him you don't need to die...yet.
I'm thinking about packing myself up with a bottle of water and a bag of Sun Chips in the box my TV came in and shipping myself to a random address in California. Then when the good people open up the box I pop out and hand out a beat down. Then I take their house over and swim in their pool and use their washing machine. Then I would steal all their food and high priced end items and sell them shits on Ebay and make a boatload. All profit. If I happen to get mailed to a box full of beautiful naked big-tittied bitches, well then I think it's safe to say I'd be fucking them because they'd be attracted to me due to all the money I'd be making selling all their shit. Foolproof.
Chad McGreevy and I have decided that the name my idiot brother and his outstanding wife decided for their soon to be son sucks ass. Grayson. Sweet merciful crap that is terrible. So my plan was to just call him by a different name every time I see him untill they realize the mistake they made and rename the sumbitch. But Chad McGreevy is so smart. he decided he would leave it to you to decide. As a bonus, if I get some good participation, I will answer an email and give advice this week. Everyone wins. Help me out.
I am giving serious consideration to breaking up with the current skirt. The thing is, she is getting a little too attached. In addition, she is short and as we all know, it is hard to see eye to eye with a girl standing collar bone high. Also, I want to have sex with other people.
People ask me all the time, "Yo Yossarian, what's up with this?" My response is always the same, "Shut the fuck up." I love my job.
The universe started for this moment. The entire span of evolution happened so you could be here with me right now. Moreover, so you could exist and grace the infinite psyche. When all knowledge is bestowed upon us, your visage will be most cherished. You're the reason I was born and the reason the race was given sight. The shape of your face, the firmness of your waist deserve a whole new language. I listen to you sleep and it is the most mesmerizing cacophony I have heard. Your voice is the voice God uses to sing to everyone while in the womb. You are the representation of heaven. You are what everyone should strive to be and what few are. You are forever the driving force behind all my actions and inside of me more so than I will ever be inside you. I have given you forever and you have given me a finite amount of time. It's a fair trade and I would do it a thousand times over if it meant your fingernails would remain as soft and as firm as they are today.

07 May 2006

Hundreds Of Miles

Right. Canada. Canada is a lot like everywhere else I've been, except for the massive amounts of fucking I partake in. I also watched Domino after I put her ass to sleep. My favorite part of Domino was the end, because that movie sucks. Another reason why the end was my favorite part was because Domino said something along the lines that she will never tell us which parts of the movie are true and which parts aren't. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess no one blew up a casino in Vegas. I must have missed that in the news.
Keira Knightly is still hot though.
Me and Chad McGreevy washed my car today, then we treated the leather. We finished it off by shining up the dash. It looks great. He really motivates me. I was planning on dropping ol' girl off and taking a shower and maybe doing some push ups and maybe going for a run but most likely reading and drinking some water. Hydration. But Chad is persuasive, thus me getting something productive done today. Chad also told me his plan to bring joy and education to everyone and he invited me to join his plan. I accepted.
Me and Chad are going to have metal signs made which would read varios things. Some of the sayings are as follows: Spousal Abuse, Farting, It, The Rape of the Rainforrest, The Spainards, Child Pornography, and Showing Off." We will then place these signs under Stop signs around town. Beautiful. Then we will replace all traffic signs in blighted minority neighborhoods. The Stop sign will read, "Knock it the Fuck Off." The Yield sign will read, "Chill." These are ideas.
This girl man, she is getting so city on me. But like TV city. So it's starting to suck. But when I watch her midriff twist and flex...I'm going to jail man. This is wrong. We went out dancing while in Canada. This is trouble.
I need a doctor to give me a prescription for Testosterone and HGH. Cocaine I am looking in your direction.

04 May 2006

Don't Get All Butt Hurt About It

Right. Me and Chad McGreevy agree that the woman on the current issue of, "Women's Health" is in need of all of her holes being filled with what Chad and myself have to offer. We are of the opinion that she is officially second only to Keira Knightly.
I realized today that all of the problems in life occur because people don't think things through. For instance, today at work I had to shit and I failed to check if there was any toilet paper. As it stood there wasn't. When I ended and realized I had nothing to wipe my ass with, i made a rash decision. To be fair, it was a beautiful decision, just not thought out. The bathrooms in my office have showers, so I took one instead of walking around looking for toilet paper with mud-butt. As I washed my ass it dawned on me that my towell was in the upstairs locker room. Now there comes a time, in every man's life, when decisions have to be made, and I made a decision.
To get to the upstairs locker room one must go outside and walk up the stairs. I thought, "It's noon and everyone is at lunch. The chances of anyone important seeing me run upstairs nakes is about 4%." I bet the odds. I grab my uniform and head out the door.
Unbeknownst to me, the Command Sergeant Major was inspecting our parking lot so he saw me. Now while in a very technical sense, I out rank him, in a very literal sense he can destroy me. He stopped me and asked me what in the hell I was doing, as I explaind, he thought it would be a good punishment to make me do push ups and sit ups. Naked. On the concrete. As he explained how I need to think things through.
Good times.
I think it's safe to say that soon, Colorado will be the new National Capitol. You heard it here first.
We will run to safety but I will fall back. I will take on the force giving chase. I will not live. You will not know of me fate. I will not have died for you. I will not have died at all. I will have simply left in order to fill a larger vessel and destroy evil. I see this. You will continue to watch American Idol. I will return to my body and you will not see. I will continue to live my life. You will have perished as I cleanse the earth of the irrefutable.

03 May 2006

Now You Will Receive Us

Right. Me and Chad McGreevy decided that we will spill their blood till it rains down from the skies. So when you see us, you will reap it. We also decided that it would be a good thing to do to start injecting massive amounts of HGH and Testosterone. Barry Bonds style. Together we come up with all sorts of cool shit to do, like new tatoos.
When we meet, I'd like to think there will be pasta, candles, wine, side arms and a dank corner. I'd like to think you'd ask me for a favor. I'd like to think I'd grant you your wish. Then, I will inform you that the phrase, "History is written by the winner," is bullshit. I will ask you how the white man treated the Indian as he expanded west. I will then ask you who is the clear winner in that scenario. I will ask you who defeated Rome. I will then ask you who won that one. I will bring up example after example, yet I will not change your mind. Then I will kill you. It's your fault. I hate pasta. If we were eating a Thanksgiving turkey, then I wouldn't kill you. You fucked up didn't you.
I need to shit.
Your legs taste like heaven. You moan like a choir of angels praising the creator. You writhe in pleasure like a large snake stalking its prey. Your mouth opens and your eyes close as you clinch a fist in my hair and dig your nails into my back. I am filled with too much emotion. I can't take the beauty. I want to cry. You pull me in closer and whisper words I can't make out. I will never be able to paint you a picture. I will never be able to write you a poem. I will never be able to replace the sky with your image and have all things live beneath your beauty. I can only wish I were better. I can only make my mouth live in the small of your back every night. I can only live off the feeling you give me and the condensation you share with me.

02 May 2006

You Should Thank Me

Right. One would think all sorts of things wouldn't one? For instance, one might think that the jubilation in your heart you have for knowing I boned the below pictured High School girl would send you into a frenzy and preparations for a parade in my honor. However, one would be wrong in that way of thinking as I have received barely a peep of props from my loyal readers. Chumps.
Me and Chad McGreevy like to do all sorts of shit. We mostly like to watch shows where animals attack and where things burn. McGreevy and me, we are like two peas in a pod. Tasty peas that are heterosexual, and peas that like to watch a tiger rip the flesh from a goat.
I found this picture the other day and I have to post it soon. It made me laugh. It is of me and a girl that unkind dated. I'm not sure anyone will get the joke, but it made me laugh. I'm not even sure I get the joke.
I found another picture I have to post because I get the joke and it didn't make me laugh at all. You'll probably laugh. I hate it when things don't go my way.
I won't get mad.
I watch how light dances off your face. I watch how everyone else moves through the light, but with you it is as if the light moves you. The illumination embraces you softly and is drawn magnetically to your skin. It never penetrates, it just intensifies your natural glow. On a cellular level you seem to know this as it becomes apparent you have cells dedicated to gathering and storing the light. I watch as at night, when the lights are off, you sleep and your cells open up and you radiate a soft glow. It's lovely. It's angelic. It's keeping me up at night. It's sleep I'll never miss.