25 February 2009

No Muse

Right. Right now things aren’t as you’re thinking. Things are different. Nothing is the same with me, with you or with them. Nothing is as it was, ought or seems. Everything is a joke or a lie.
My eyes are real because I am flesh.
I can’t say things anymore because people know of me. But what they know of me, be it from here or in the world or both - everything they know of me is a lie. Maybe they realize that, and it is because they realize it that I am a joke to them. Maybe they don’t realize it is a lie, but that then makes them the joke.
My hearing is sound because I listen.
I should have things. Certain things should be afforded to me. I earned a couple things. None of those things manifest themselves. None of those things are tangible. And none of those things exist. I have to laugh, because it is a joke. The whole thing was a joke. Jokes are best when the butt of it has no idea and I am not a very smart man.
My touch is electric because I want it.
I live so much inside my head; I have no idea if what happens is reality or my imagination. I don’t remember things. I cannot discern between what is real and what I pretended, wished, thought or dreamt. I can’t remember any faces anymore. Five seconds after I see a face, it is gone. I am always in constant surprise. I don’t even try to remember anymore. I just consider everyone a needle on a record as it plays and I don’t know the tune. I see the joke. I laugh.
My taste is delicate because I savor.
There are things I need to say. But I cannot. Because then people will know them.
I am cold.
There are places I need to go. But I cannot. These places are closed now.
I am sick.
There are people I need to meet. But I cannot. I forgot how to speak.
I am lonely.
There are ideas I need to have. But I cannot. Because my brain doesn’t work like that anymore.
I am scarred.
I keep telling jokes though. I’d rather laugh or be laughed at than the alternative.
My smell is clean because I shower.
Some people think some things about me that I will never understand. Other people say things about me I do not deserve. A few people sit with me and laugh as jokes are told and women pass. No one is willing to go emotionally and psychologically snow-blind with me.
My future isn’t what it used to be because I laugh without understanding how it’s funny.