26 August 2007

Minus Two

Right. When you get off the plane at Baghdad International, no matter the time of day, a well lit American Flag flies above everything. At first I wondered what George Washington would have thought to see the flag waving in a foriegn country, but then I just thought what the farmer thought when he was suddenly under Greek rule. Then I saw the base.
It is clear that we are here and we are not leaving. Ever. Just look at how much we have built up for us to be here is staggering. There is a fucking Pizza Hut here.
But other than that, things are fine. It is hot as a mother fucker. Everything smells funny, and the wireless internet thing I bought takes close to 4 hours to connect, so I won't blog as much as I had hoped. My boss esentially told me that since I am planning on leaving the Army, he will work me like a pig while the Army has me, so it should make this an interesting 15 months.
I brought plenty of books, so when I am "off" I will be reading. I still don't have an address, so no mail for me. Also, there is like no porn in this whole fucking country. And with Yossarian having no internet, then how will 13 fluid ounces live up to its name? The world will never know.
I am fine. My dick trippled in size last night. We are doing the right thing. If I say these things enough, they are bound to be true.
Our Colonel today said, "We can change history men." I take that to mean that he is an idiot because history cannot be changed, that's why it's called "history" and not "the future." But if we are to change history, wouldn't that mean he believes we already lost considering his speech was about how we are going to win? These are questions.


16 August 2007


Right. It is hot. I never thought 101 degrees would feel cool but it does. Sandstorms suck. 15 months. Please God no war with Iran.


08 August 2007

We Could Build A Fire

Right. Fucking deceitful evil fucks. The lot of you. I didn't bother to count, but I imagine there are at least 13 people there, put them in any order you wish and it will finish the list. How do we tolerate this? I don't know. I say we. I fell for it to. I joined them because of an immediate promised monetary gain, a promise never fulfilled, but I sold them my beliefs and soul anyway. Bottom line is the only people who want to be here are commanders, and they only want to be here because they want to say they commanded in combat.
Whatever. En sha la.
15 months is a prison sentence.
I remember when I really liked my job. 2 years ago I loved it. Gradually, it wore me down, I'm not the biggest conformist and the military doesn't like that. I have, or I should say had, a personality, and the Army hates that. I overlooked a lot of things because I wanted them to be right. But mostly I wanted my student loans payed off. I remember taking some drone oath to bray it up with the sheep and to defend our constitution. I shouldn't complain. I got to see Rome. I got ripped in Paris. I ran. I met some good people.
I used to watch the History channel in amazement scoffing at the Nazi soldiers who fought despite claiming they didn't believe a word Hitler said or in the Nazi cause. And yet they fought. I scoffed. Weak pathetic fucks I thought of them. God will punish the weak I was sure. I now understand. I am a weak pathetic fuck, and I hope God shows mercy.
There is a girl I've known forever. Inside. I miss her. I miss the man I am when I am with her. I really just miss her. Everything about her. I hope to return to her one day. In the 15 month eternity. Or 6 months according to those asshats. She isn't the only one I miss. But she is the only one I think of as much. I hope everyone will be there when I get back. I hope everyone forgives me. I hope when my time is done in the Army I can live a long life with all of them.


06 August 2007

Desperate Times

Right. These two asshats come in at 13 on my list of people I hate most in the world. It's bad enough to lie, but to tell the same lie again and again is plain despicable. 6 more months? That's the 3rd time you dumb fucks have said it. Shills. Oh but it's working. My dick tripled in size last night. Not really, but if I keep saying it it's bound to come true. I thought reporters were supposed to have an obligation to inform the public not lie. But you're keeping it real for the administration, when you should try keeping it right.
Things look different in the light. The color, shape, balance and depth are there. Without the light it is the same thing, just not so alive. Not so real. But we can stay in the dark. We must like it. The cell phone minutes are free and the best reality television shows are on when it's dark out. We hide from the light but see with the artificial glow of a soft watt halogen. We hide from the light and scoff at the people outside the window laying about in the grass. They will never have what we have. But we won't smell the grass.
Come outside with me. It's nice. The sun shines. The rains come. The snow falls. It is harsh and unforgiving. But it is real. I would give anything to be back right now.
I hate this. When I ever leave this place I will have wasted 5 years of my life. Wasted. Nothing will be shown or remembered. Everything ventured, nothing gained. Worthless.
Why are people like this? People. People can change anything they want to. Fuck sexy. I'm bringing humanity back. I give a fuck about Anna Nicole and her being a whore. I care about the governments of the world forgetting that without people they are nothing. I do not agree with a single thing going on in the states anymore. I have no interest in fighting for that place. I have no interest in returning to that place. It's a great place, possibly the greatest place ever. I'm not saying the grass is greener anywhere else. I am saying that sometimes you have to clean the manure off the grass to see how green it is. I would imagine that applies to every country. But mine, the one I call home, is so far gone I don't know if it can be saved. Governments have no right spying on people. Governments have no right denying medical coverage to children. Governments have no right to hide the reasons a soldier was killed by one of his own. Governments have no right to continue to fund illegal activities in the name of peace. A lot of talk of peace. Peace at home. War everywhere else.


05 August 2007

Love Don't Believe In Me

Right. I fucking hate the sun. Long live the beast. You are number 14 of people I hate most. And if your not people and really are a giant nuclear furnace, then there are a few people I wouldn't mind sending your way. Some will follow on my list and some won't. I can't be 100% honest here.
When I was a boy I often would play this game where I would imagine myself doing something extraordinary. I would go in my backyard and not really play or anything, just imagine. I would incorporate these massive landscapes and plot twists. I would suffer and I would rejoice.
As I got older I would play the same game. Except the backyard was replaced with school and heroic deeds of courage and sacrifice were replaced with the thoughts of girls. I would include passionately deep feelings and exceptional acts of consideration. I would give and receive.
I now play a game called life where, unlike the board game, nothing I dreamt before has come true. The end results are reversed. Now when I do something extraordinary, I give and receive. Now when I love I suffer and rejoice.
Years from now I will play a game called despise. I am a bitter young man. And I'm not that young anymore. I will be the guy who sits in his house and screams at kids who walk through his yard. That will be me. The old guy who buys a tall boy and a pack of smokes at 8 A.M. and then later screams at the bank teller for moving to slow, that will be me. I will hate and I will live.
After that I will play a game called self pity. I will drink and cry and whine about my station in life. I will recall days of youthful strength and wisdom beyond my years. I will remember and I will lament.
We have all met that man, and part of us hates him. We hate him and for good reason - his life never was as bad as he thought it was. But since I have yet to become that man, I need to ask you a favor. The next time you see that man think of me. Think of me and look at that man. If you look closely, you can see the day he lost his soul. It is written in our eyes. Because that day is all we think about.
Please do not pity him. Please do not offer assistance. Above all, please do not ask to hear his story. He will never tell you the truth, because the truth is too painful for him. Just know that once where the fragile shell of a drunk stands, once stood a mountain of love. And one day it stopped snowing on the mountain, so she stopped skiing. Or she stopped skiing so it stopped snowing. That is what he will never remember. And something I have yet to discern.