09 September 2008

I Am Going To Be John Wayne

Right. Despite it all. Despite my efforts. Despite my accomplishments. Despite my actions. Despite your words. Despite the praise. Despite my prayers. Despite my heart. I am insignificant, replaceable and expendable. Thank you for showing me that.
I am a heathen. I am a rebel. I fear no evil and see no good. I am dead inside. I am more free than I thought possible.
It took me 30 years to realize that I was the fucked up one. I was the one who needed to realign my perspective. I have no right to see what could be, and like you, should see what is. I have no right to expect you to stand up and fight with me, when the real war I fight is against what you are.
There was a time in my past when I tried to be nice. That effort turned into nature. Shortly after, I saw people and events differently. I no longer do, and for that I deeply thank you. You showed me reality. I am in your debt. I can never show you what could be. I hope your marriage is as empty as your soul. I hope I always remember how immaterial I am.
On the brighter side of things:
I am on month 13 in an environment which I have come to associate with normality and therefore call home. Soon, I will go on my way. I will go to Germany, out-process the Army and go back to life as you know it and hopefully, as I remember it. But nothing is as good or bad as remembered.
The sad truth is, had the Army been more challenging and dangerous, I would stay forever. I can look past being owned. I cannot look past being praised for accomplishing menial tasks. I can look past the rules and regulations. I cannot accept the hardest job in the world was this easy. The sad truth is I wish I had been pushed harder. I wish I had found my limits. I wish the hardest part of war wasn’t also the hardest part of peace.