30 August 2006

That's What's In The Daily News

Right. It's better than even money that my new goal in life is to marry the pictured woman. She is pretty cool. You can make odds for days that she will tire of me in a hot minute.
I have decided to devote my life to learning all the secrets and technologies of all Alien races. Not the immigrant fuckers, but the cats from outer space, not inner space, more deep space. Not 9. I am terrified of Aliens. They freak me out. Thus, I spend an abundance of my free time trying to find real Alien footage on the internet to scare myself into not sleeping. Apparently I hate myself. And you thought peanuts were tasty?
I need Alien information here people. Give it to me. It's a probable 12 to 7 that you will not give me any Alien information. But I want to know. Why? Because once I have Alien technology I can rule with an iron fist. With one ring you might say. Why would I want to? Bithces of course.
Bitches dig dudes with power.
My legs are smoked. We sprinted for about 2 miles today and did a bunch of iron mikes and my legs are done.
Kick ass music I have recently stolen off the internet: AC/DC, Def Leppard, John Denver, Barry Manilow, Black Sabbath, Desmond Dekker, Jimmy Buffet, Rod Stewart, SiSe, 10,000 Maniacs, Boards of Canada, Kool Keith, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Johnny Cash.
Kick ass music I haven't stolen from the internet: none.
I can't wait to open my own bar with unkind. All Rod Stewart all the time.
We ought to name it the sink. Because that is kind of homoerotic with our initials and all. But the bitches won't think it's a gay bar when they come running once they hear that raspy voice singing about kicking them out of bed in the morning.
Another good thing our bar will have is all secretes and technologies from all Alien races. Can you imagine? Listening to Maggie Mae while using advanced technology to look up porn on the internet before you even knew you wanted to look up porn? Beautiful.
I miss a couple of people. So right now I would like to say, Ngante, Adiameo, and Top I miss you all and will see you soon.
I wish I had somebody to help me with all of the secret Alien secrets and technologies.
Skin. Bones. Silicone. Beautiful.

29 August 2006

Day Van Cowboy

Right. A picture for a monkey.
If music is math, and math is logic, then I think it's fair to assume that John Denver is a genius.
Today is Tuesday. I move into my apartment Friday. I will be without Internet for quite a while. I have found I can blog at work, however I have reservations about blogging on Government Issued, watched and monitored computers. Maybe I will, maybe I won't but sooner or later I will be back after Friday to blog you as hard as you have been blogged in your life.
Snakes on a plane this guy is nuts.
Let's discuss the apartment shall we. I was, as in back in the day like three months ago, supposed to move into a four bedroom house. That got nixed. I arrived here and found an apartment above an Irish Pub. The landlord didn't want to rent to an American. As if my money doesn't spend. Piece of shit. So that one got away. So I am moving into an attic belonging to an old woman and her husband. It's small, thus I will have to get rid of some of my stuff. They will not let a Japanese automobile to be parked on their property, so I have to park on the street. Why they hate the slopes is beyond me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't call them slopes, I meant Japanese-German.
I would like to take this opportunity to dedicate the rest of my life to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today.
We should have lunch. Just you and I should that is. No one else. Because fuck them. That's how I'm rolling. Fuck them.
Is it wrong to meet a woman off a dating website you looked at because you were bored but she is hot and you need to expunge fluids into something warm? Of course not. It's my God-given right. What is wrong though is to propose marriage to said woman over beers and a boiled meat thing because she read some dumb book you read and enjoyed. It's not wrong to give her a fake cell phone number to get out of that error. It is wrong wish you hadn't gave her the wrong number because she is really hot. It isn't wrong to steal candles from her apartment on your way out to go to PT.

27 August 2006

I Want To Buy A Smart Car

Right. Sunday morning and no fucking pancakes. Lame. A Sunday without pancakes is like a girl without VD. Yeah you can do it, but it's a whole lot easier with it.
Here is something interesting about Germany, these people are worthless, shiftless layabouts. No one here wants to work. No one here wants to be successful. No one here wants a damn job. They just want to move slowly and not do a whole lot. Now, since it has been my dream to retire since I was 12, one might conclude that I would have found heaven. However, now that I have a job, bills, student loans and a desire to retire soon at a higher standard of living, I have determined that these people need jobs. I think I can pinpoint when I became my father on last Tuesday around noon.
Where are all the girls with jobs at? Where is an educated girl? Where is an ambitious girl? Not within a 15 mile radius of me that's where.
I am trying to figure out when I will start my all new one word posts. That will be much easier for me.
If I ever get my hands on a time machine, I will go back in time before cameras and all and rob the fuck out of banks, priceless artifacts and children. I will only steal the children in order to bring them to the future and do my bidding. Genius.
A beautiful thing the German culture has created is this beer that is half beer and half lemonade. That way beer is refreshing in the morning.
The fucking German people half up everything they do. Half cola and half water. Half soda and half orange juice. Half juice and half tea. Half woman half smelly unshaven layabout.
Germany isn't all bad, it will get better once I have my car. But that's when we start an offensive amount of training and deploying, so I might not see anything of anything. But who cares? It's fun for now. When I get closer to getting out, I doubt any of this will be fun, but for now it's good for a laugh. The funny thing I realized the other day is that I think a part of me joining the Army was for the whole breaking down and rebuilding thing. I was thinking about this as I ran and I realized I haven't been broken yet. Then it hit me, that I was broken before I even joined. But maybe I'm not broke, maybe I am completely perfect. Who knows? Who cares?
When I was a child all I wanted was to be Superman. Now, all I want is a whole lot of money.

24 August 2006

I Got My Own Network

Right. I decided that from here on out all of my blog entries will consist of only one word. As soon as I implement this you can go about your day, sit down at your desk for lunch, check my blog and read, "magazine." How great would that be? The answer is awesome.
I am against land equality. Because I know in my heart a nice warm beach is better than a muddy assed mountain.
There was a time when I was fun to be around. There was a time when I knew how to have a good time. I could meet girls, drink beer, laugh and still drive home. I could drink till 4 in the morning, sleep for 3 hours and play 5 hours of pick up basket ball in the morning. Now all I know how to do is curse, bark orders and dip. I hope I fall back into my old routine. I hope there is a drink with a little straw hat in it for me.
The bakery across the street from me has bomb ass pretzels. I could eat one every fifteen minutes for at least...One million years. To demonstrate that I can do this, I will do it starting now. Delicious.
Every time I am watching TV and see a really old car in a movie, I secretly hope the movie is Johnny Dangerously. That movie was funny.
You know what I love? Kids. I can't help it. My buddy Paul is married and has a bazillion kids, all boys, running around being all reckless and crazy. I go over there for lunch and it's all, "UNCLE YOSS!!!!!!" We play, we wrestle around and they beat the crap out of me. It is awesome. I need kids. Who wants to fuck me, give birth and then leave me alone so I can have a buddy to watch cartoons with? Kids generally like me, unless they hate me, which isn't uncommon, except that only a handful of kids have, but man have they, so it's all up in the air.
I hope when we die, we get to live in the best part of our lives forever. I hope my eternal soul has enough brain cells to survive an infinite number of Thursday nights my senior year of college.
I can't wait for all my shit to get here, especially my car. If anyone knows how I can get my navigation system to work in Europe I would appreciate it.

23 August 2006

That's A Fine Ambition

Right. Every single time I talk to a certain person, I have to watch another trainwreck. Christ.
Bob needs to stop.
My bathroom is the largest room in my apartment.
My apartment sucks.
At one time I had a better apartment.
At one time I had a worse apartment.
This apartment is small.
I wonder why we stopped saying the word reckon.
That is a bomb ass word.
When I get out of the Army, I will invite you all to come over to my place and we all can watch Pat Garret and Billy the Kid on television and eat popcorn and drink a nice bottle of water. Doesn't that sound enjoyable? Maybe after, well, maybe we can find us some whores and fuck them in their asses. Or maybe instead of finding whores, we can all just drink beer and play pictionary. Or maybe we can hitch hike to old Mexico and drink bad beer and wake up with sand in our mouths. Or maybe we can agree Bob Dylan is annoying.

21 August 2006

Bavarians Are Hungry

Right. Fuck them all. They must die. It is simple. What could be easier than doing what is called for. In order for you to prosper, they must die. It's a dead issue. I soak my furniture in beer to expose it to the knowledge I now know. My brain moves at speeds making God herself jealous. My couch is smarter than you, because I enabled it and gave it this power, you will lack because you do not see clearly when you see double. You see double when sober and believe your single when you're drunk.
The children have been used against the elders by the elders wanting to remain in power. A beautiful strategy. No cogs in the wheel sans me. Fuck this. Die. Tomorrow has been told as the end of the world for two countries. I live in neither. I lived in one. If it dies so will they. If I die so will it.
The best is not behind and the crowing is not dead.
I stand. I will stand. I will walk through as you fall to. I know how benumbed the walls are and how gelid you are. I fear you will hate what is from what was and what could from what might. Furthermore, I know you will despise what wasn't from what isn't and what is from what will. Moreover, you will come away with me. I will jump, you will be caught and we will swim.
Tend to me with your lies. Tend to me with the end that you desire and have bought and sold the result is better than the alternative. You believe the alternative is the same as the previous failures. I know the difference. I know the saturation of the clouds in the sky when Aries is in full view and the strife of the earth is at ease. I know what Sunday morning feels like when nit comes at you with a hammer. I know what Christmas is when no gifts are needed. You know what has been shown, even in such underground manners.
Oil is what we cook with. Land is what we sell. People are who we fuck.
I am half sick on the drinks you mixed. I need to go up-town. I need to get back to the corner where I made sense and a difference. I need to kill in order to die. I need to die in order to get back to her. I need her to obtain the power given unto my right hand by the hand of the man. I need the power to give her all she deserves. I need to watch the next 17 months pass by.
I know you are scared, even though you say you are not.

20 August 2006

I Can Teach You

Right. I am just waiting to do my fantasy football draft 2006. I will win again. All praise me and my fantasy football skills.
Some of you might not know this, but there is a record that rules. It's by the Kleptones and is called a night at the hip-hopera. Rap over Queen...splendid.
I womder if famous people pay people to look on the internet for everything written about said famous person. I wonder if JESSICA BIEL is one of those famous people. I wonder if my blog has been brought to her attention. I wonder if JESSICA BIEL is busy making preparations for the immenient marrige and consequent creamery I will turn her into. I wonder if JESSICA BIEL is as happy about the prophecy as I am.
Ever loving Adelaide.
I shit on your clothes and then I deficate twice in your ice cream cone.
Life is too long man. We need to speed this shit up.
I hope my fantasy draft goes well.
I'll do it my way, and having done it my way, I'll say I did it my way, furthermore I will not admit this is the greatest cheesecake alive.

18 August 2006

Leading By Three

Right. Snakes on a plane. Snakes on a plane. It's not a question. It's the answer. It's the answer to my prayers. Snakes on a plane. I could write it for days. Snakes on a plane.
College kids on Jeopardy pisses me off.
Cocaine needs to use my blog as his blog again. He is slacking on making me laugh. Slacker. As for punishment - no Snake on a Plane for you.
Chad McGreevy says that I should change my name from Yossarian to Smoke Blog. Chad McGreevy says it's easier to remember.
I remember in school we had an intercom that led to the office were the principals were. I remember how on a weekly basis one teacher would also walk over to the intercom and buzz the office and say something along the lines of Mr. Yossarian coming down for a visit. I remember how after one "debate" I walked over to the intercom, buzzed the office and said I was sending Mrs. Nolan to the office. I don't remember the punishment, but I remember the story, and that's all life is. Stories.
I have another story. It's a beautiful tale shrouded in romance, mystery and danger. It's a story as intriguing as it is routine. But I don't feel like writing it. So stop bothering me about it.
She flies through the night sky and watches me while I sleep. She holds the wolves in the hills while I sleep. She cries as I dream of being with her. I believe the tears cause the dreams. Her smell calms me while I sleep. Her beauty warms the room while I sleep. She laughs and leaves as I awake. I believe she laughs because I think I can protect her. I always wake up thirsty. If I slept for a thousand years it couldn't quench my thirst.

16 August 2006


Right. Chad McGreevy says not to post any more pictures of my future wife JESSICA BIEL. Chad McGreevy says it seems a little to show offy for my style. Chad McGreevy says to go back to the art. Chad McGreevy drinks a lot more than I do.
Yossarian says fuck the Germans. Lazy assed people here. Yossarian also says that when one doesn't have a television for a year and when one gets a television, one realizes one misses out on a lot, like Snakes on a Plane commercials.
You might not know this, but there is a United Kingdom version of Pimp My Ride. You might not know this, but it is fucking funny. I remember when I left home my daddy gave me some advice, "Son," he said, "There is nothing funnier than a white-guy-Brit acting like he is a black-guy-gangsta on a dumb show about putting dumb paint on even dumber cars." My daddy is like Yodda.
17 months.
The old super freak I wrote about is officially out of my life. Officially. It wasn't so much the sex, which was ample, but the odor flowing from her junk, which was gross. I felt like a tree that had been pissed on by a large dog who ate asparagus and has a bladder infection. In about 30 showers she won't have this territory marked.
I haven't seen a UFO in my life.
One of my troops came to me today with money problems. It seems that he was given a credit card with a five thousand dollar limit and a small 24% interest rate. Along with a 10% late fee charge and an annual fee of 250 dollars. Money problems. I think he has mental problems. I don't have a credit card so I ask the closest person in proximity to me at the time, "Hey 24% interest, that's high right?" My luck the closest guy was this ass hat private who said, "it's high, but not unusual." The fucking Sears Tower isn't unusual but it's high. Sheesh.

15 August 2006

You Live The Blues

Right. When ever I hear people speaking German I like to say, "I'm sorry, but I don't speak Spanish." I think I only amuse myself sometimes.
The women here are crazy and they eat pretzels a lot. A deadly combination.
I need to get into better shape. I need to run more.
I guess it's cool to live abroad for a while. But my heart lies in the dream of having a job with a sports franchise, owning a bar and finding a rich woman to share a bank account with.
Cricket is so weird.
She doesn't even have to be rich, just have a job. These women don't work. What the bloodclot? Lazy ass bums. They need to get a job is what they need to do. I ain't running a socialist sex farm here people. Except in writing socialist sex farm, I think I ought to run such an enterprise. That has possibilities.
Everything will eventually fall apart. It is all about how far can you lead them until it does. That is the measure of the measuring stick.
I am really getting excited about my new socialist sex farm. This can change the world.
Not a day goes by, not one, where I don't think about the rabid infestation of roads leading to lawyers. My father never wanted me to work here. However, there is a three minute rule, and here we are. Throw a card and take the fate. Stand up and be a man.

12 August 2006

Funny For Her

Right. Last night, this morning and before she left, I wondered why she was talking ablout the ocean. But it's just how she says my name. As in, when she wants it gets it or has it. And by it I mean pancakes. But i really don't. Because I want pancakes and it seems that shit ain't happening. Pancakes are the jet. Maple syrup is the bomb.
Mann, wer haette das gedacht.
Pogo is broken for me. Life blows. I need sleep.

11 August 2006

Swept That Ass

Right. I wanted to do something. I wanted to blog here tonight about something important, something that would hit that medulla oblongata in its ass and make you think. I wanted to blog about something that made you change your views on international relations, but only regarding the countries Uganda, Bhutan, Moldova and Togo. I wanted to write some shit that made you change how you think of me in a polar opposite direction than how you think of me now, no matter which way the needle turns on your opinion of me. I had this whole thing that was both erroneous and logically sound. It was fantastic, as in four. However, I will not do that tonight. In its stead I will do this.
I met this girl tonight, a girl I will marry. The future Mrs. Yossarian and current Ms. Biel can taste every vein. This girl was really wild man, she's something else. She is of the Arc, she is from the cosmos and she is capable of launching a thousand times the thousand ships launched prior to her.
I spit my dip out as I walked over to her. Hello I said, she responded with an annoyed glance. I retorted with a remark about how if I were her I would ignore me too, however I just wanted to spend some money and get drunk. She didn't seem interested and said something about not liking Americans. I couldn't have disagreed more. I knew she liked Americans, she just hadn't met any worth knowing.
Words were thrown. Looks were glanced. Smiles were exchanged. Numbers were given. Laughs were had. Skin was touched. Eyes were beautiful.
You are too brash she said.
You are too homely I said.
I've never met anyone as brazen as you she said.
I've never had a reason to be brazen I said.
You have pretty eyes she said.
We are in agreement I said.
I need another drink she said.
I'm all over it I said.
Why did you talk to me she asked.
Because in all the world, in all the time the world has been, the only reason for the evolution of families, countries, war culture and economics was to bring me here to meet you tonight. You are what would keep a man away from the world. You are what is. I would die happily knowing you walked the earth in this form, because in previous lives you were a comedy, a waterfall, a massive field of grain in the spring wind, a clear night in June and you were once the sea in a time before ocean dumpage. How many times will I be able to hear the voice of a waterfall? How often will a comet drink with me. When will I be able to hold the vast beauty of nature? I simply wanted to talk to you because you are what always will be no matter how wretched and horrible man is.
She asked me how many women I had used that line on. I replied with four. She laughed, kissed me and took me to a bar where we danced all night. She is sleeping now. I am going to return to her and hope I never forget the part of her that is with me now.

10 August 2006

I Was The Nicest Guy I Knew

Right. The dentist yelled at me today, but on the plus side I might have mouth cancer. So I have that going for me. One would think that the morning scare of a face removing cancer would stop one from dipping. One would think a lot of things I guess, because here I am dipping. I tried to explain that it's not the mouth cancer that removes your face, it's the treatment. That makes me believe we need a better treatment.
German TV is odd. I saw a naked woman selling Aspercream.
German beer is gross. I miss my car.
The girls here are hot. I am going to do very well for myself here. The women seem to love people with light eyes. And people say Hitler did nothing good. He's hooking me up.
Here is some funny shit about Germany. They call hip-hop, "black music." It's in the record store. It's funny.
When you come to Germany, you can ride around on my Stryker with me. It'll be fun. We can shoot shit. I have a .50 Cal machine gun. Do you? No? Well then.
The guy who does the German voice of Kramer is amazing. He sounds just like him.
I am currently staying in the dopest hotel ever. I have to go find my own place and it sucks. It looks like I will be in for a hefty commute to and from work. That's okay though. I have a car coming on September 17th.
Hey, let's discuss the flight here. It was awesome! I watched Dr. Doolittle 2, Over the Hedge, Failure to Launch, Ice Age 2 and something else terrible. I think every screaming child in the world was on my plane. I have news for parents. Just because you have learned to go tone deaf to the screams of your children, doesn't mean I have. There was a fat woman who kicked my seat once every 13 seconds. It was enjoyable.
I secretly enjoyed Over the Hedge and Ice Age 2. Except for Ice Age 2. I hated it. I mean, I really liked the squirrel. He was my favorite. But he never got hooked up with that fucking nut. All the guy wanted was the nut and he got fucked over. Then he died. I was so pissed that he died I thought about killing all the children on the flight. But I came to terms with it because I saw how happy the squirrel was in heaven. There were a lot of nuts around for him to enjoy. But then that fucking sloth had to go and bring him back to life. I was pissed. I swear. I was hot over that shit.

08 August 2006

Porn Is On My TV And I Was Watching Sportscenter

Right. Germany is weird. I understand cricket less when the announcers speak German.

06 August 2006

It Is A Marketing Issue

Right. I find it rather serendipitous that yesterday I decided to believe in prophets and then Bielgate. I wonder how JESSICA BIEL and I will divorce. I hope it is because she catches me hitting skins with Keira Knightly. Maybe I can work out a hot 3-way before the divorce.
Chad McGreevy says hello. He has been busy getting ready for Germany. He's leaving with me. At first I didn't want him to go, but now I want him to. This way adventures can be had in Germany. He is also pretty funny. Like yesterday when he kicked an old woman in the kidney. I thought it was funny.
I am leaving soon and I will blog as soon as I get set up. I don't know how long it will take, but if I were in charge of you, then I would demand you use this time to reflect on the greatness that is Yossarian and spread the word. Since I am not in charge of you, I suppose you can go about your day watching Jenny Jones.
Remember Liza? I heard Billy Idol fisted her. If so, that's hot.
I hope my new digs has a washer and dryer.
I hope my new digs has ample shelves for clothing.
I hope my new place has some really hot women living next door and they each take their turn riding the jalopy.
I hope Germany isn't as rainy as I've heard. I hate training in the mud.

04 August 2006

Aim For The Throat

Right. BREAKING NEWS!!! MUST READ!!!! NOW!!! So those women in the support battalion, the ones who call me Danger Boy, are kooks. This isn't really a news flash, especially if you know them. But what is news worthy is this bit of information I interrogated out of them today. The leader, and ugliest of the bunch, apparently sees a physic twice a week, and this week the leader of the kooks asked about none other than ME! And you want to know what the physic told her? I'll bet you do.




Dramatic Pause...

Fine. I'll tell you. That when we deploy, I will be caught up in something that will change the world forever and upon my survival, I will be thrust into the limelight and date for an extended period of time, ending up in marriage and a polite divorce...JESSICA BIEL!!!

This means that:
1 - The kooks are dumb because they see fortune tellers and the ilk.
2 - The kooks are dumb, but they ask about me, which is pleasant.
3 - I will routinely put a hurt on JESSICA BIEL and you won't.
4 - This means my life is so much better than your own pathetic non JESSICA BIEL boning dork assed life that I may never blog again.

I'm joking, I'll keep bloging. I'll let you know how her ass tastes. I leave soon and before I board the plane, if I were you, I would expect a couple drunken audio blog things. If I gave the impression that I am depressed about Germany, I am sorry, I just hate unnecessary work and moving sucks. I'd rather stay put. But that is neither here nor there as I will post pictures of JESSICA BIEL on every post I make from here on out.

02 August 2006

Join The Ranks

Right. Who really cares if Mel Gibson hates Jews? Why should I hold him to a higher standard than I hold Rickey from Portland who earns his living with his shovel? Why does it matter to me if he hates Jews? Is Mel Gibson paying my rent? No? Okay then, carry on Mr. Gibson. Hate all the Jews you want. I could really care less. You have every right to hate anyone you want. I don't give a baker's fuck. Mr. Gibson, please explain to everyone that you are an Actor. Not God. Not anyone above anyone else. You just happen to be in movies. Ask people why they think the good folks in Hollywood are above everything else the rest of us do please. Please ask them who they hate. I hate lots of people. I hate a bunch of groups of people. I have every right to hate teenagers. I have every right to hate guys who play Dungeons and Dragons. I think we all hate Island people. Cyprus - you are the bane of my existence.
On to more pressing matters. No, I have lied to you. I'm keeping with Hollywood. I would like to speak about the train-wreck known as Lindsey Lohan. I know little about her. But I find it hard to believe that people care about her. I mean, she is hot. Sure. I would fuck her in front of my own mother. But peeps, she is a train -wreck. I think this is clear. We are all in agreement. Her mother sucks also. I hope that I am lucky enough to have an attractive daughter. This way, I can subject her to Hollywood, every swinging dick in California, eating disorders and anything else that becomes cool all so I can have a jacuzzi. Angelus Domini nuntiavit Mariae.
I have an overwhelming urge to go AWOL for the rest of my life and not go to Germany. But I know that all 3 and 1/2 of you who read this are busy trying to find me a job. My contract ends in May of 2008 again people. Get on it.
I miss my car.
I saw this woman today in her car. I wasn't in her car, but she was in her car and she was driving. I was driving my rental car and I noticed blond hair cut fashionably. So I do what I always do and made it so at the next stop light, we were side by side. I looked over at her and she was crying. Her tears were rolling down her face. I felt bad. But she was hot, so I didn't feel all the way bad. Then she started screaming. It made for an uncomfortable situation. She was driving a K car and had the windows rolled down. She yelled a bunch of things and from what I can determine, she had recently been dumped. Well duh. I would break up with you too if you are the kind of person who screams and cries as you drive. And I'm desperate! I wanted to give her advice, but I saw that there was a guy selling dogs in a parking lot, so I went to go check them out.
I didn't say it was a good story.
But it got me to thinking. Women, I have news for you. Here is what guys do. We date the best looking women we can find and hope that you aren't crazy. That's it. Simple. We go for the best looking women that will talk to us, date them and then break up with them as soon as we see how crazy the woman is. The minute we decide that one particular woman is not crazy, or at least crazy at a tolerable level, we ask for their hand in marriage. I let the cat out of the bag. This would lead a rational being to conclude that if you are a female and suffer from not being able to find a date or are constantly being broken up with, then you are what is known as "Crazy." It's science.
I am on an all liquid diet. Water. Check. Beer. Got it. Coffee. Noted. That completes my diet.
No one seems to be home.
I miss my dog.

01 August 2006

Kamel Red

Right. I have not done the bench press exercise since the 12th grade. To be more specific, the summer before the 12th grade. That is until today. In the prime of my bench pressing journey, I managed to shove 315 pounds of weight from my chest upward until my arms were fully extended. I have not lifted a weight since. Until today. We went to the gym for PT. Mr. Giant Staff Sergeant wanted me to bench with him. I'm fine doing pull ups and the sit up machine and going for a run. No thanks. Then he insulted me. So it was on. I do not know if I can do 315 pounds now, but what I do know is that I managed to bench 275 pounds 7 times without warming up.
Then I took him to the leg machines for women. Those machines they claim work your thighs but we all know they work your ball sack and hog, and I made him do what I did, which was a lot. He won't be walking right for a week.
I never realized how gay going to the gym sounds when one reads about it.
I saw a wine-o eating grapes and I was like, "Dude. You got to wait."
My time is dwindling down the these United States and no one wants to send massive amounts of money to get me out of the Army thusly enabling me to stay close to everyone. Jerks.
Clean. What the hell is that? Refine. I don't remember doing that at all. Bathe. That was here when I got here. Dust. Is that dip? Rasp. Diss the infect. Bleach the stained. Wash. Simple Green the everything. Unhook electronics. Call internet supplier. Lave. Get raped by Cingular. Pay unnecessary bills. Soak. Pray for death. Imagine a better life. Purge. Scrub. Elbow grease. Turn in car. Sweep. Drive gay machine around. Try not to be seen driving around the silver minivan car hybrid. Sponge. Shower. Neaten. Launder. Place clothes in drawers. Adhere to schedule. Expurgate. Sanitize. Scour. Edulcurate. Deordorize. Remember life. Think of tomorrow. Who will hire you when you are done? What do you bring to the table? Flush. Cauterize. When the current time is done, will the blood come off the hands? Reflect. Life. Realize. All the sparkling water that ever flowed, could never wash down my life so clean that it glows. Erase. Help Wanted.