31 May 2007

I Was Taught

Right. If I have ever, in my life, stood or waited in a car behind you at an ATM, I truly, deeply, straight hate you. With all of my soul. You are fucking dumb. How about you check your balance one more time before you withdraw 20 bucks? How about you ask for a receipt, only to waste valuable seconds of my life by waiting for it to print, only to not even look at it as you throw it away? How about you forget your PIN a few more times? How about you scale down the amount you wish to withdraw in increments of 5 dollars until you tap your bank account? How about you just sac the fuck up and be a man at the ATM. I treat ATM visits like I am the SEALS. I am in and out in seconds. But don't fret asshole. You are only 25 on my top 50 people I hate. You are center mass. Take comfort that I aim for the head.
There are things in this world that make me smile. Things like an unexpected email from an old friend. Things like fall coming early. Things like beers with friends. Things like an unassisted double play. Things like finding a sentence in a used book someone underlined because it meant something to them. Things like a 40 year old with a tit job forcing a 28 year old man to fuck her hard. Sadly, I haven't experienced all of these things.
Someone should kill me.
I don't care what you say, you love my blog and want to read more of it daily.
Am I the only one who misses giving advice to the masses?
When I was a boy, I had this friend Derrick who had this anorexic and really hot older sister, who once caught me jerking off and watched me for a few seconds before screaming at me. I tried finding her on myspace, but she must not have an account. She was hot.
That story sound weird when it's not put into context. However, the context would require context for the context and it's a big whoop-de-do that I would not prefer not to get into right now. Just know that as a 13 year old, a really hot 17 year old watched me jerk off for a bit before she screamed at me.
She caught me, I wasn't doing it like in her room when she was supposed to be out or something. I was in my home. Just forget it.
My favorite aphrodisiac is Gatorade and a pack of cigarettes.
My least favorite aphrodisiac is yard work.
If we could pretend you were single and I were attractive for a few hours, would you go get consider eating pears with me while we watch the winter tide come in at the pier? Because if so, we should think of hiring a black and white photographer to record it.


30 May 2007

This World You Must Have Crossed

Right. Rosey you are the only woman in Hollywood who doesn't turn me on. That's saying a lot. You're dumb. Ugly. Loud. And all in all gross. I hate you because for some reason you make the news about you running off at the mouth instead of what you are saying.
There is this giant statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary staring down at a mile wide crater. Flood lights illuminate her sullen features at night. A few hundred years ago half of this thriving civilization fell into this hole when the people tunneled under the city. Now, everyone here lives life upside down, because everyone is dreaming about the treasures and artifacts underground.
I would jump that mile wide pit if it would get me out of here.
They hid all their restaurants a hundred years ago, after they dug up all of the town's gold, when they began digging for silver. In the hometown of evil, I will order exotic drinks. I have a lot of great stories to tell the people I drink with and amuse old friends. So what if my life sucks?
Something just occurred to me. Something far dumber men have known for centuries. That is, if you can't live well, you should die fantastically. If I were to strap plastic explosives to my spine and bathe in gasoline, then tried to jump this mile wide hole on a motorcycle, if I live or if I die, people will applaud.


29 May 2007

I've Lost

Right. I fucking can't stand people who ride bikes. I appreciate you think you are doing the environment a favor. I can look past your stupid outfits. I can even ignore the fact that your pansy ass wears a helmet. But you shit asses think you can ride in the middle of the fucking road, making me slow down so I don't run your stupid ass over and I hate slowing down. You make me break when I should just kill you and be done with it. Ergo, you are number 27.
Germany is starting to rule. The further out of Bavaria one gets, the hotter the women become. I found a radio station that plays the dopest shit imaginable. Beer is served in the mornings. And brothels rule. The people are still lazy sods and the food is horrible. But on the whole, things are turning around.
I went to Berlin this weekend and saw some seriously dope shit. There is a museum in Berlin that puts the everything I've seen to shame. Complete statues of every Greek God. Seriously some of the best antiquity shit around. I got my picture taken with Apollo.
I plan on stealing all the cool shit soon.
I went bungee jumping for the first time. That is some fun shit. They wrap that shit around your ankles and raise this bastard crane to 300 feet and tell you to jump. Yeah fucking right. I ain't doing that. But then the dude says, "3, 2, 1." And I don't like looking like a bitch so I jump. Swan dive. Sit up and go straight up. Holy Christ that was fun.
I saw the Wall and checkpoint charlie and some other history type shizzle. Berlin is cool.
I went to the holocaust museum. Sad.
I went to a concentration camp. Even sadder.
Fucking Nazis.
I've been dissed. Hard.
If there is anyone in hell who is watching the events on earth, I wonder if they ever laugh because heaven doesn't know what it's missing by staying so far out of the affairs of man.
When a man faces war, he goes through 3 stages. First he thinks of loved ones who will not share this hardship, and who if he should fall, will carry on his memory. Second, he thinks of loved ones already dead who will greet him on the other side of the river. Lastly, he makes his peace with whatever God he worships or believes favors him. The man then comes back to reality and faces the war or battle before him.
Different men go through these stages at different times. Some at the battle sight and some upon news of the impending struggle.
I went through that today.
First I thought of my family, my mother mostly, and of my friends, unkind, cocaine, J and the Wall. I thought of my dog and wondered if she would even remember or recognize me if she were to see me now. I thought of Jillary and a couple people I met because of the blog. I said goodbye to each one's soul and told them how special they are to me.
Then I thought of Joe, Mike and my grandmother. I saw them smiling at me as I walked toward them. Joe could walk and see. Mike seemed content. My grandmother looked so young and healthy. I said hello to each and noticed how I felt ashamed to be in the same place as them.
I then thought of God. I could not make peace with him. I saw the path he laid out for me and accepted it. I saw the man he made in me and came to terms with him. I saw the prayers he denied me and understood why. But I saw how limited his power was when I realized that of everything I have seen, the most beautiful my eyes beheld was her and I thanked her parents for making her as I scoffed at what God never accomplished.


23 May 2007

Sample Some Email Bitch

Right. I cannot stand Oprah. What the hell has she done to help anyone named Yossarian? Nothing. I'm sure she helps other people. But I can give a frog's fat ass about other people. I care about me. And she refuses to pay off my student loans. So this is how I repay her generosity. Bitch.
This explains so much.
This scares the piss out of me.
Want to read a story about global warming? Good. Today it was close to 5 trillion degrees. And I am sitting in the office when I say, "I'm sweating like a stuck pig." This dipshit staff sergeant says, "Pigs don't sweat sir." I reply with, "Thanks Bill Nye." Everyone got really upset that I called him the science guy.
Really? I mean? Seriously? I call the guy ,"Assy McFergusson" close to every 12 seconds and no one complains. Most even laugh. But I call the guy Bill Nye and it was like I had kicked the shit out of his kids.
The point is global warming is bullshit and hot weather makes people insane.
As an officer and leader of men, as a man who loves his job so much, I live by the belief that if I do not piss off at least 3 Non Commissioned Officers because of my uniform a day, then I failed that day in the Army.
NCOs love to correct shit and know regulations because they can't think for themselves. I love pissing those guys off. Yeah I wear my fucking hat wrong. Yes, I wear my hat inside. Sharp eye I have my hands in my pockets. Fuck off. I do this because I do what I want.
I think we were born in the wrong time in history.
There was a promise once believed in. A promise I will write about later. I promise.


16 May 2007

It Was Just One Cat

Right. Chavez is a twat. No need to elaborate there.
It's hard out there for a pimp.
I'm pretty sure I will be buying a house in St. Louis soon. Because I am cool like that.
They should stop making and producing food and replace all nutrition with alcohol. The world would be a better place.
Kate Moss is still hot. I seen her naked. German magazines will print anything.
This whole deal between the aristocrats and the demagogues is upsetting. I mean, they both like to present themselves as looking out for my best interest. They both portray themselves as opposite in beliefs. But having the opposite beliefs does not mean the ultimate goal is not the same. And I know what is in my best interest. But if one wants to take away my freedom out of mass fear and the other wants to take away my freedom out of a need to protect children, then don't I lose my freedom either way? And don't I want that freedom? It doesn't really matter though does it? Because while the Gods give with one hand and take with the other, men only take.
Men. The species that would melt the gold from temples for whore money. The species that has driven numerous Gods away with his actions. The species that destroys only to create what it destroyed. The species that panics and pays tribute to anything can causes fear.
Fear for the children. Fear for ourselves.
Man has lived for thousands of years to produce nothing we can't erase or distort. Man has fought since his dawn and only established temporary borders, laws and cultures. Man created reason, and we celebrate the trivial. The greatest invention of man is evolution.
We evolved from work to sloth. We evolved from discipline to tolerance. We evolved from slavery to the matrix. We evolved from standards to moral relativism. We evolved from walking upright to walking upright.
Half of us hate us. The other half think us better than we are. Right or wrong. Left or right. Life or death. When I die I will thank every man and woman who ever lived to bring us to this point and for allowing me the opportunity to be here with you in the light of the moon with a light rain fluorescing from the light of your eyes.


15 May 2007

I Know It's Not Thursday

Right. The tour guide told me that this fortress was built well over 2,000 years ago. In 1983, a man named James carved his name in it. Congratulations James. Now you are a dick for eternity. You are number 30.
I killed a cat the other day with my bare hands. I twisted its neck and body in opposite directions in a fiercely swift motion and it lay lifeless in my hands. I tossed it in the front yard. My landlord thinks I am psycho. I know that cat will never walk on my car again and claw the paint up.
In my defense, there is no dead cat recycling can in our yard.
We have had many roles for one another. Throughout time, we have played parts in each other's lives with varying degrees of time and importance. We have been brother and sister. Father and daughter. Teacher and student. Employer and employee. Queen and royal guard. Friends. Lovers. Mentors. Throughout time, we have woven a tapestry of relationships with one another that blanket our senses to the reality of our existence. Our history reveals how blind time is and how weak memories are. Forever teaching one what we previously learned from the other.
I knew this.
It wasn't until I realized the most important role you have ever played in our history that I came to understand the man I am today. You stood there with your bare, athletic, tanned leg showing through your long white robe as I marched off to die. You. My mother, who taught me courage as you shed no tear and showed no remorse that your son would soon wet the earth with his blood. That image of you as I left was etched into my consciousness and stayed with me across every life I led. Inspiring me to be as strong, wise and beautiful as you were at that moment. You are now, as you were then - my Spartan mother.


14 May 2007

Here Comes The Question

Right. I hate, with most of my heart, Eli Manning. He is a bitch. You know it, I know it and the American people know it. He was drafted 1 overall, and threw a hissy fit about it. What a cunt.

Dear Yoss,

I am thinking of getting married. Or rather I was wondering your advice on marriage. Maybe I just want to get this blog back to where you wrote and people read and all was well in the world. So, should I get married?

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cocaine

(As paraphrased by Yossarian)


I say this to you. I don't know, get married. If it was good enough advice for Tyler Durden's dad to say, it's good enough for me.
Getting married has advantages. Like non-stop poontang and crazy three way action with her hot friends.
But holy matrimony also has disadvantages. Like not being able to drink with your friends every night, especially when one returns from war.
It's really 5/6 pick 'em.
Let me tell you, this past weekend I went into a little place known to the world as the Czech Republic. But it is known to me as the land of the tang. Poontang. Seriously. Every woman there is hot and flirtatious. It is nice.
So I meet this girl Saturday. First we decided to get real drunk. I was rolling with gin and tonics, because Europe hasn't heard of a 7and7. She decided to drink whiskey sours and the way she tossed them back would have given me a heart attack, but as it is I let her drive my car. All good decisions so far. Then we decide to bone. Superb.
Then the girl is all weird and demonic and refuses to let me wear a condom. Now, a rational man would exit stage right, but there hasn't been a man who has accused me of being rational and lived.
So we hit skins. And it was nice. Like 3 times. That's how I roll. But the best part is, when I was sneaking out of her house in the morning, I decided to put the picture we took together up on myspace. Which is admirable.
So I think it's clear I am marriage material. Moreover, I think it's clear that I am going to marry this crazy broad.
I also bought a suit this weekend. But that is neither here nor there.
You can get married as long as:
1 - I am invited.
2 - The reception has an open bar.
3 - Your wife has a lot of single hot friends who are at the wedding.
4 - Instead of a band or a DJ we roll karaoke style and your first dance is to me singing Billy Idol.
5 - Things like the PTA, date night, your wife, kids and anything else stupid does not interfere with hockey season.
There you have it my friend. I expect to see my invitation soon.



07 May 2007

He Who Fucks Nuns Will Later Join The Church

Right. Oh Lord how I am grateful you took Janis Joplin from us before her time. I hate her. She is number 32 because every time I hear her voice a little part of my soul turns against me and plots my demise.
What the bloody hell happened to Cate Blanchett? A better question would be, Who the hell is Cate Blanchett?
I did some research and as it turns out, Kate Moss is fucking hot. I was shocked too.
For whatever reason I have Dio, as in Ronnie James, on my Itunes, I would like to thank that reason with oral sex. Because Dio rocks.
If you are ever in the Army, and a full bird Colonel is trying to buy your soul for a paltry sum of taxable income, and he asks something to the effect of what else you want to do with your life, you shouldn't say, "All the drugs I never did growing up." That's not the right answer.
I made two grown men puke yesterday on a 3 mile run.
I was on my back on a beach falling asleep to the sound of the abandoned railroad. I started laughing out loud. People were staring at me. Those people looked gentle and serene. I realized at that moment that everyone I hate is fine. I saw how many words we use to only say "fuck me" or "feed me."
Have you ever tried to unpop a balloon? Have you felt our awesome reach? Have you ever wanted this? Have you Been faxed at the beach? Have you ever felt incomplete? Have you seen our logo on the moon. Have you worshipped at our feet? You will. And you will not be scared.
I have always wondered what makes a 14 year old girl decide to be placed on the pill over a pedestal. I have always wondered why 14 year old boys would rather keep the girl they want to place on the pedestal as close as the payphone. I have always wondered why the junkie washing windshields doesn't offer advice to the 14 year olds. But then I remember that 14 year olds can't drive.


06 May 2007

Long Way Home

Right. Hard Spun you are a fucking asshole. You have won 5 of your previous 6 races. You are a stud. And then I go and bet a sum of money on you to finance a job to Cairo and you fucking lose. I hate you so fucking much right now you asshole horse. You lost by like 2 lengths. Come on asshole. Run. Daddy needed to go to see the Pyramids. I fucking hate you you fucking stupid ass slow horse. Fucker.
Now that that is out of my system.
Good news abounds this week.
Ol' stabby is now on myspace and is asking to be my friend close to 100,000 times a day. Great.
The dentist refuses to remove my impacted wisdom tooth. He has also said he has never heard of a zit on the underside of your tongue. He suggests it might be cancer. I popped it anyway.
I ran 7 miles at a 7 minute pace Friday. I was happy. I would have liked to have run faster, but it does seem I am fucking the rotation up. And rotation fucking up is strictly prohibited. I miss unkind and cocaine. I am sorry fellas.
The good thing about Iraq is tax free income for me. Which means my car will be paid off here shortly. Good times. It's like a game show. Avoid getting blown up and shot and you win a car. Am I in Japan?
What the fuck was that horses problem?
I don't blog much anymore. Mostly because I don't have a single thing to say.
How does one move to New Zealand? Is it hard, like is there a lot of paperwork involved? What kinds of women are there? Can I find a job? Do they have booze?
I will live in New Zealand if the answers to those questions are: show up, I've already done it for you, hot and sex starved, only as Prime Minister and shit tons.
Man, if those answers are right New Zealand must rule.
This book I am reading rules. I will send it to you. Because everyone should read it.


01 May 2007

Don't Back Down

Right. How the fuck does being unfunny on Saturday Night Live make anyone a political expert? I mean, being unfunny in general makes you a douche, and being unfunny on a funny show must make you a moron. Or in this case number 34 on my top 50 people I hate in the world. In addition, Al Franken's voice makes me want to skin children alive.
Grampa is officially my jam and will be regarded as such henceforth.
In a completely sterile environment, I would like for you to start ripping apart my flesh because I would like to study my own muscles. I would do that myself, but I don't want dirt and all to get in there. So you should maybe think of cleaning your bathroom.
I cut the piss out of my thumb knuckle during the water gun fight as I unscrewed the sprinkler from the hose. How? Because my stupid hands are friggin huge. One might question why my hands are so big. But the real question is why my thumb knuckle has piss in it.
I remember the first time I saw the Ramones. I was small and scared of the crowd. I stood in the back. I couldn't see them but at least it was loud.
I don't want to work out anymore. I don't even want to run. I just want to drink and smoke cigarettes and be a very unhealthy person. I was a lot happier when I was unhealthy. But then again, I don't give a baker's fuck about being happy. I care about poontang. Neither has payed off in the poontang department. Maybe I should become a rapper who raps about how he doesn't get laid and can't afford jewelry and gets beat up a lot. I think more people can identify with that. I'll be a bazzillionaire.